Letters to the Editor – A Leisure Lumberjack

Attn: Logistics Dept,

Please buy a new alarm clock for your courier Half Nelson.

Also, a new pair of pants, The thought of him sleeping with nothing on downstairs has ruined my breakfast.

Yours in appreciation,
Mrs DRS.

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To all Bashers

Our next training session will concentrate on mental acuity and arm strength. Birdshit, DRS, Korean and Omega will be receiving particular attention and extra exercises to improve their potential in the opening of doors.

The Trainers

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To whom it may concern,

I barely believe what I’ve just seen. A player for the Bashers Leisure by the name of Traction hit the ball very hard indeed. This outrageous display could be seen by children, with all their hopes and dreams! How could a man of his abilities be allowed to participate in the second highest league in all of China? I demand that this cad be banned from all forms of cricket immediately, including the remainder of this match in progress. Furthermore I propose that I be named sole selector of all teams for the Bashers Cricket Club in future.

Yours indignantly,
Karen from Pudong.

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Dear Kookaburra,

I humbly request a supply of cricket balls which can decide which way to swing.

Yours Gratefully

I Forgot

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Memo to all clubs:

Going forward umpires standing at square leg can decide at their own discretion what they chose to see or not see however the following guidance may be used or not, totally up to you.

• Stumps broken and bails off at the strikers end? Go reset them, if you want, otherwise chat with your mates on the boundary and pretend you didn’t see it.
• Ball from a demon bowler like Omega doesn’t pitch before passing the batsman around the thighs. That’s certainly a dangerous no ball! The rest of the over will be all free hits.
• Miraculous caught and bowled taken by Square Root? That definitely pierced the earth’s crust and came up damp from hitting the water table before the bowler picked it up. Not Out!

The Rules Committee.

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Dear Birdshit,

Please stop pushing your bullshit agenda. No more religious propaganda in the form of hot crossed snacks please.

Yours in enlightenment
Buddha

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Dear Editor,

The Bashers are too good looking, especially that Covid20 chap (Phwoar!). They should not be allowed to appear in public where I might raise involuntary wood. I’m starting a petition to have them confined to the Abbey Road courtyard for the remainder of the season.

Yours in temptation
Sly T. Lee R. Owsed

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To the Captains,

Thanks again to Half Nelson for delivery of the shiny new club kit.

In future please abstain from allowing Korean access to any new gear, That bastard took just one ball to ruin the new keeping pads and continued throughout the innings to dive about like a footyballer in the sty behind the stumps. Please order some new keeping pads at your earliest convenience. Optionally contact the face mask manufacturers recently out of business to retool and create some leg condoms for his use.

The Club Custodian.

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Dear Revelations,

Thank you for the extra over of wides you gave us. However please refrain from hitting any more sixes or I will be left with no reasonable option but to personally banish you from Division 2 competition.

In Power
Karen from Pudong

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Dear Weather Gods,

I’m writing to complain about the weather on Sunday. It was perfect. I am from Sri Lanka, this is way too cold for me. Do better next time.

Yours Sincerely
Fling

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To the classifieds editor,

I’d like to place the following advertisement :

“Angry man with personality issues available to knock in your bat. Has own mallet. No responsibility taken for destruction. Will assume responsibility for selecting your team though”

I expect this to be printed F.O.C.

Because I said so.

Karen from Pudong.

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To the Committee for Protocol and Tradition,

Re: K of the Day

Looking for clarification on awarding of Skiddy’s helmet for K of the Day. Does it have to be given to a Basher? There was too many candidates on Sunday from other teams to not consider them.

Cheers
DRS

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Dear SCC Judiciary,

I’m writing again to lodge further complaint against Traction from the Bashers. After my explicit demand that he not be allowed to bowl (because I am scared of him) he was seen to return the ball from deep gully using an overarm action which I declare to be a bowling action. Please have him beheaded.

Karen from Pudong.

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Dear Ned Flanders,

An egregious atrocity has been committed. The boundary set on the morning of Sunday 9 April, the year of our lord 2023, was blatantly discriminatory against us Right hand sloggers. The boundary to our “posh” side was approximately 69% of the distance to the one favouring or stock shot cross-batted smite. I suspect a Cack-handed conspiracy from a secret society also responsible for hiding all the right handed batting gloves and replacing them with useless left-handed ornaments.

We pray we have seen the last of these shenanigans.

The Righteous Righties.

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Dear Sachin Tendulkar,

Your bat is shit.

Yours respectfully
Birdshit.

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Dear Mr. Square Root,

Reminder of your appointment for arm lengthening surgery.

Next Monday 8am

Please refrain from eating and drinking the night before.

Ms Didi N. T. Bounce
for Dr. Heargood

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To the Custodian,

Request for procurement:

Please immediately obtain for the kit bags a supply of bobby pins to aide in securing the oversized wide brim hats to our perfectly formed heads.

Yours Sincerely
Fling

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Dear Awards Nomination Committee

I offer for your consideration my catch at square leg off a no ball on Sunday as a nomination for catch of the year.

Yours hopefully
Warcry

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Dear Club Captains,

Following extensive research of one delivery by a team of experts consisting of no experts we inform you of the following procedural change.

All future matches will be umpired remotely by whoever is not watching Sunday morning cartoons. They will have at their disposal the latest technical assistance in the form of a microphone on the pitch streamed over 3G.

After determining that it is no longer necessary to have visual evidence to make any decisions we feel that audio verification and intuitive guesswork constitute best practices.

We’re sure you agree and this groundbreaking policy will usher in a new era of error free officiating.

SCC Umpiring Committee

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Dear Bashers Leisure

Thanks to everyone who turned up to play on Sunday, even though they had better things to do with their day than play a bit of cricky and sink some cold beers in the brilliant sunshine with their best mates.