It was that time again, Philippines 6s! Birdy and Skiddy met up at the camel for some pre tour drinks and to chill the road beers that Birdy was carrying. Nuts and the man formerly known as Bambi joined for some beers. This author has never seen a grown man look as gutted and disappointed as Bambi was that night. With his passport in tow, and Skiddy and Birdy encouraging him to buy a ticket at the airport, Bambi considered it for a fleeting moment, before muttering “I have to work”, as the joy and glimmer of life disappeared from his eyes, like a kid who just dropped his ice cream.
The Bashers tourists to the Philippines- Birdshit, Omega, Paps and Skiddy made their way to pudong airport with road beers in tow. Poor effort was made by Skiddy who decided not pissing himself was a good way to start the tour and limited his beer consumption. An even more shocking effort was made by paps who consumed a total of 0 alcoholic beverages pre flight. Paps arrived with the wife and mother in law to send him off like a 5 year old being sent to school. Interestingly enough, he was also dressed like a 5 year old, deciding to wear all his clothes at the same time.
While waiting to check in, Omega realized he had to separately purchase check-in allowance since we were flying on a low cost airlines. His response to his own ignorance was to launch into a tirade at the counter at the helpless Chinese man doing his job. The poor fellow called his supervisor (we’re guessing) who decided to give paps a run for the worst dressed award – his go to outfit – a figure hugging brown trenchcoat that we’d expect one of the geishas to wear… Or bhenchod. At this point, Skiddy stepped in to smoothen things over with his generally calm and respectful demeanor, only for the trenchcoat to get pissy and raise his voice. To which Skiddy, looked up and said “calm down, you better not shout at me because I will raise my voice and you’re the one who will have to apologise. So sort this out”. Problem solved, check in fees paid, a bottle of Captain Morgan given to Mrs. Paps for safe keeping, Bashers checked in. Beers were skulled and in a charitable event, 2 beers donated to some jolly fellow at the airport. Not Sameer jolly, because he was still being a partypooper.
Skiddy decided to get his contribution to the tour out of the way early and helped the Bashers skip through the check-in line using his questionable Chinese skills and convince the pretty immigration lady to let the Bashers use the DP lane. Paps, Birdy and omega, giggling like 5 year olds at the DP sign. Omega seemed to be stuck at the security check for some reason and was last one to the gate. Bashers on a plane. Incidents caused – 1
Somehow, Omega also managed to scare away the pretty lady sitting next to him in all of 5 minutes after take off. Paps continued his poor form of no alcoholic beverages consumed. The flight was an uneventful one, to be expected with the absence of pussy, Rooty and Tinder. Bashers in Manila. Total Incidents caused – 1
Omega and Paps decided to snore away while Skiddy and Birdy went looking for some breakfast. Pretty uneventful tour so far. A sign of things to come? Birdy decided he’d had enough and fucked off to go open his own family Mart. Seemingly buying all the packets of vegetarian Chicharon in Makati. With Birdy back, the Bashers headed up to the rooftop pool to get this tour finally started. Beers were ordered, Pussy turned up and so did Paps, barely. Pussy would love the fact that the pool was only 5ft 5 inches and he couldn’t drown this time, and was frolicking around in the pool like a fugly mermaid.
Paps decided he continue his piss poor show and consume all of 0 beers. Tank having been away from the Bashers for too long decided to drive and would try to stay away from the piss… for a little while anyway. In case you’re keeping tabs, Beers consumed so far: fuck knows, Paps – 0, Rum consumed so far – 0ml. Most disappointing fact thus far. At some point, Pussy’ actions would prompt Omega to come up with the Chirp of the tour contender – “you started it with the finger up the bum”. Not sure why or how that came about, perhaps someone else can help fill in the blanks here…. anyway.
By this point, Pussy had enough of the beer and decided the Bashers were going to smash a bottle of Tanduay before we went out for the night. The Bashers poured one out for the man formerly known as Bambi… not a chance, there would be no rum wasted. –> Rum consumed so far – 1 liter, Paps – oml. Soon enough, Bashers got a move on to the welcome dinner, while Paps continued to sleep in his bed. Despite having paid for the room, Paps would take the single bed, surely he wouldn’t regret that decision.
Thus far, Bambi had been sledged on the Bashers chat and one of the numerous Philippines Chats floating around on wechat. Soon enough, Bambi’s day was about to get worse as he would be sledged on video by a wanker from one of the Philippines teams. Pussy was out and about making friends… not. He would bitch about the pitch, surely that wouldn’t come back to haunt him. Tank, Birdshit, Omega & Skiddy mingled with the other teams and partook in some free flow and food. A sad event thus far. Surprise last minute addition Cranky would soon turn up, after whining away on wechat. Cranky within minutes of getting to Heckel and Jeckyl (Makati’s take on a sports bar) “so Bambi’s not on the trip?”. –> Basher names lived up to thus far – 1.
Pussy would disappear to meet his new lady friend? ladyboyfriend? I guess time would tell. The remaining Basher tourists headed out to check out the nightlife Manila had to offer as Tank was playing tour guide/pimp/general baller. This is where Hungry/Angry/Hangry pussy would make an appearance… (not the Basher). Eventually, the Bashers would end up at a roadside bar for a few drinks and enjoy the sights and sounds of the Makati nightlife. Pussy (the Basher) would reappear with his new friend, the jury still out on the lady friend/ladyboyfriend verdict. Tinder in Philippines is like playing Ladyboy roulette, would Pussy survive? Alcohol was drank, shots were had and the Basher tourists decided to head back to Family Mart aka Birdy’s room for a night cap, losing Tank along the way and Pussy decided he was going to stay out with his new friend.
Back at Birdy’s Cranky reported to Mal that he’s not fat, he’s just too lazy to shit. The alternative hypothesis was he’s 10 meals ahead and 40 shits behind. Clearly the chat was shit, however, all this poo talk prompted Birdshit came up with his own quote of the tour candidate “I shit like a God.” That would be the last word for the night as slowly the Bashers headed to snoozeland.
Paps update – unknown, presumed asleep with 0ml alcohol consumed
Finally, it was time for some cricket and the Bashers assembled down as per schedule. However, there was something unusual… there was some kit missing… and oh, wait… a Basher missing… surely it wouldn’t be the self-appointed Captain who was missing. Skiddy got on the house phone and rang Omega’s room who was shocked to find out it was the morning and we had a bus to catch.
Eventually, the Bashers left Omega behind… clearly ‘no man left behind’ is not a philosophy that works in the Philippines. What followed was a grueling 2 hour van ride that was reminiscent of a packed local train in Mumbai or a can of sardines.
At the ground, Tour Treasurer Birdy got the tour vibe going and promptly purchased a crate of beer. Tank showed up with some Tanduay and pork crackling courtesy of Mrs. Tank. Thank you Mrs. Tank! With the captain MIA, tour veteran Paps stepped up to make his first useful contribution of the tour and won the toss. There isn’t much to write home about the cricket… catches were dropped, pies were bowled, sixes and fours were conceded. The Bashers would lose the first game, but did not get bowled out. Sixes hit by the Bashers = 0
Eventually, Omega would show up to the ground and would automatically get into a pissing contest with Cranky over who had worse music. Omega would eventually win that contest. Cranky and Paps were each crying about being Old wankers and wanting to sit out the next game. Eventually Paps would win that battle and sat out the game as the Bashers put in another performance that isn’t memorable. Of note, Cranky would drop a sitter off the first ball of the game the Skipper bowled. Don’t you worry about that pal, you’ll be fined for it. The game would end with the Bashers not getting enough runs and would lose game number 2 of the day. Sixes hit by the Bashers = 0
Cricket done for the day, the Bashers would huddle back into the van for a long ride back to the hotel. Plenty of beer was drank by the Bashers as Paps would make his most useful contribution of the tour – opening the beers as Cranky made a shit attempt to mask the sound by coughing, albeit seconds late. 0 Points for subtlety. Eventually, the Bashers would make it back to the hotel and meet Poolside for a fines session. Tanduay was to be served as Cranky assumed the role of finesmaster. Fines were well and truly doled out, as Omega bore the brunt of it for his no-show, and reminded the other Basher tourists of Bambi’s efforts at the fines session last year. Omega would be helped back to his room by Tank, and the other Bashers made their way down for a quick change of clothes and onto the free flow beer & buffet which was expectedly underwhelming.
Basher tourists then made their way to the much awaited Midget Boxing! Words cannot do justice to what a spectacle the Midget boxing and especially the midget oil wrestling is. Those images will stay with us forever as the Bashers had a good laugh watching the little fellas play-fighting each other. Cranky would get some pillow talk from the MC that he wouldn’t soon forget. Birdy sent himself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter upon seeing the fake little plastic championship belt. After that entertaining main-event, the Bashers trickled out in search of some Ginger beer and tanduay. At one bar, some of the touring Bashers found them admiring the gaggle of ladyboys enjoying their drinks. A Basher who shall remain unnamed was overheard saying, “Those boobs look good, I don’t care if it’s on a man. They look good. Wow. That is a body!”
Soon enough, Pussy had pissed off the bar manager and the Bashers headed back to Birdy’s room for a few night caps. Skiddy went off in search of more Rum when he needed to bring back some more chasers, Ginger beer in particular. While Skiddy didn’t find Ginger beer, Pussy & Cranky were flashed by a Ginger when they went to check to see if Omega was still alive. That seemed to have worked like a charm for Pussy who was desperate for a lay and soon took to wechat to arrange to meet his newest Philippines romance as the Bashers reminisced about the good ol’ days over some Tanduay drinks. Tank meanwhile had disappeared to his hotel room, conveniently booked in an adjacent hotel supposedly due to a lack of rooms in the Basher hotel. That is all that will be speculated on the matter. Another tame night for the Basher tourists. Incidents caused: 0.5
There was still some cricket to be played and this time Omega decided he would lead from the front and was ready and available on time. Perhaps the guilt from missing the first game and letting down the team was weighing heavily on him and he offered to buy breakfast for anyone who was hungry. Omega & Paps made a McD run while the others waited for Pussy to show up. Hungover Pussy made his way down to the lobby with his companion in tow. She didn’t know where to look as 5 sets of Basher eyeballs stared at her and greeted Omega with an awkward hello. Having suffered through the crowded van the Bashers were relieved to see they had a van all to themselves. Once again, a very gloomy van ride with most Bashers snoring away. At the ground, the Bashers didn’t look too keen to play cricket with Cranky whining about not wanting to play. Cranky & Omega would get into another pissing contest about who had the shittier music. Everybody was a loser that day.
Match#3 followed a similar trend with the Bashers giving away too many runs and not scoring enough. Catches were dropped, a catch was taken. Sixes were still not hit. Captain Omega, wanting to leave his mark on the game and decided to declare the Bashers innings with 2 balls to go and 1 wicket remaining, leaving everyone befuddled. However, Pussy refused to come off the pitch as the opposition bowler was seeking one more wicket. The penultimate ball was solidly defended by Pussy who then walked off and there was the first declaration in 6s history. (Sue me if that’s not right)
Sixes hit by the Bashers = 0; Somewhere in Shanghai, a Bambi was probably cursing his himself for putting a ring on it. Innings declared by the Bashers = 1
The Bashers had lost all 3 games and would play for a place in the wooden spoon finals. Mission spoon seems to be on track. The Spoon semi-final was upon us and Omega having won the toss decided to bowl first. Skiddy opened the bowling with a new ball in his hand. A decent first over saw an entertaining passage of play when the ball was hit straight past in between the umpire and the non-striker with birdy giving chase from long off. Birdy decided he was going to dive for the ball/slipped and fell in the chase and created a massive divot in the field and remained motionless for a minute, taking his time to recover and get back to his feet, much to the amusement of the other Bashers. Omega bowled a decent second over before Birdy and Paps got smacked for 4s behind square. Skiddy, fielding at the square leg boundary got a killer workout having to fetch the ball from the boundary multiple times. Some poor field positioning saw a couple of shots fly over Skiddy’s head and out of reach. (cue short jokes) A decent final over from Pussy saw the Bashers needing to chase 60+ for their first win of the tour and a chance to bring home the spoon.
The author doesn’t remember much of the chase except for a few moments, but it was the best Bashers innings of the tour. The Bashers put up a valiant fight scoring the highest score of the tour with contributions from Omega and Paps. Of one particular full length delivery, Paps having finally got his eye in, and using Omega’s bat launched into it and cleared the ropes on the full! Finally a fucking six was hit by the Bashers. Paps with the bragging rights on this tour. WIth the Bashers looking short of the target, Omega once again decided to declare the innings with a ball remaining.
Sixes hit by the Bashers = 1; Innings declared by the Bashers = 2; Contribution by Cranky = fuck all
With the cricket wrapped up early enough, the Bashers headed back to the hotel for some more poolside fines. Tank was too afraid to ask his Mrs. to be allowed to head back into Makati with the boys and decided to go home with his family. Back at the Hotel, Pussy went for one last tryst with his Makati Booty call while the other Bashers slowly but surely assembled at the pool. Birdy/Cranky went searching for more Ginger beer, but came back empty handed and had to make do with Skiddy’s refreshing concoction of Lemon Juice, Tanduay Rhum and calamansi juice. Finesmaster Skiddy doled out fines to one and all and the Bashers had a quick fines session.
Pussy & Cranky had a flight to catch, while Omega, Paps, Birdy & Skiddy finished some more Rhum and Chicharons poolside. Eventually, the remaining Basher tourists headed out for a dinner of Tapas and Fine wine. Old Man Party Pooper Paps decided he would call it an early night and went back to the room while Omega having missed out on the Midget Oil Wrestling from the previous night was keen to catch a Glimpse. Omega, Birdy & Skiddy made their way to catch some Midget Oil Wrestling but were left disappointed. The Bashers decided to call it an early night and on their way out, Omega was asked by one of the Midget Boxers if he would like to have his balls punched by them. Without waiting for an answer, the midget tried to knock Omega’s balls out, but was denied by Omega’s solid defense. Shame that defense was nowhere to be seen when he was being bowled out on the pitch.
Paps & Skiddy made their way for breakfast at the pool while Birdy was MIA. Omega would make a brief cameo poolside before finding something to complain about and retreating to his room. Eventually, Birdy emerged and the Bashers headed out in search for some lunch, landing at a chic cafe serving fancy food and another feast was had. The healthy food wasn’t sitting well with Omega who needed a mid-lunch shit. The afternoon was capped off by relaxing massages and everyone was left feeling recharged. On to the hotel to grab luggage and off to the airport for the flight back to Shanghai. A relatively short ride to the airport was proving to be too long for Omega who had another case of the shits and needed to purge. At the airport, Omega barely made it inside before having to run away for a shit. Further incidents were avoided as Omega had learned from the journey in and paid for check in luggage. A traditional post-tour / pre-flight meal was enjoyed at Army Navy – a local Philippines Fast Food joint where Omega & Paps once again displayed poor form, consuming 0 alcoholic beverages, leaving Birdy & Skiddy to finish off the remaining beers in Birdy’s treasure trove of an wesky.
All in all – a good tour and a special shoutout to Mrs. Tank for being amazing and sorting out the Tanduay, Chicharons, McDonald’s etc.
Bashers on tour: 7
Incidents caused: 1.5
Sixes hit: 1
Games allout: 0
Games won: 0
Innings Declared: 2
Hookers employed: 0