How to enjoy the Shanghai Dog Meat festival. A comprehensive guide.
Step 1: Arrive last minute at the ground and take your own sweet time getting on the field.
Starring: Sir Dick, Tango, GI Joe, and Warcry.
“The 12:15 departure time is just a suggestion. I’ll kick the stumps down if the bus leaves before 12:30” – Sir Dick.
“Eh, come on ya, I’m going to get some food” – Tango at 12:15 pm while the bus is being loaded with esky and pies.
“Let the doggies marinade in their own sweat, while I go shit the Lawson’s food and take my own sweet fucking time getting on the pitch” – Also Tango
“Fuck this, I’m going to get there two overs late, I haven’t eaten anything” – GI Joe, back from a long hiatus
“I’ve got a friend to impress, let me get her all set up and then I’ll get ready to bowl. Make sure she has a good view of my bowling.” – Warcry
Step 2: Lose the toss and fool the doggies into thinking they’re safe.
At SRFC, fresh (massive over exaggeration there) after a leisure victory, Captain Skiddy due to a mixture of excitement of the leisure win, and the heat, lost the toss. Again. Proving once and for all he clearly is not a good tosser.
Step 3: Lay down the marker
Starring: Warcry, Fluffer, and Tucker
The doggies decided to bat first and pleasure walked out in the “fucking hot” weather to get the game underway. A tidy over first up from warcry was followed up Fluffer who was determined to rip the heads off the doggies. Perhaps one ball in Fluffer’s first over was not about to decapitate the batsman. Despite some tight bowling by Warcry and a good recovery by Fluffer, there were plenty of lucky edges that kept the Hot Dogs score ticking.
Tucker came on and held on to a sharp return catch off his own bowling to neuter the first doggie. He continued with a tidy spell of 3 overs before being given a break.
Step 4: Fatten them up
Starring: GI Joe, Adam, Shit Shoes and Skiddy
GI Joe, was having a nightmare in the field and bowled a couple of forgettable overs before being taken off for Adam. He would later attribute it to not having eaten anything and not played for one year. Wides. All Wides.
Adam, (still to be named) probably not fully recovered from his bender the night before with his former flame – Mankunt, came on to bowl two overs he’d soon like to forget. Between the wides and pies that got appropriately dispatched to the boundary, there were a couple of good deliveries that were the highlight of his day.
Shit shoes and Skiddy bowling in tandem also found it difficult, with the now rabid doggies swinging at everything. Some poor fielding and poor field placement resulted in catches dropped and fours being conceded.
Step 5: Neuter all the rabid dogs
Starring: Warcry, Fluffer, Tucker and GI Joe
With a 100+ on the board and two rabid dogs looking set for an assault, Skiddy brought back Fluffer and Warcry into the attack.
A great comeback from the Bashers was scripted by Fluffer and Warcry who proceeded to clinically neuter the doggies one by one with some fast, disciplined bowling. Wickets tumbled and the freshly neutered doggies limped back into their tents one after the other. Tucker and GI Joe came back to chop off the tail with some good bowling. GI Joe missing out on a hat trick sending back the last two doggies in consecutive deliveries. Tucker previously having missed his hat trick bowling a wide down leg instead.
Amidst the shit fielding there were some bright sparks, Tango making a simple catch look difficult but holding on to one before falling backwards on his ass. Stingray redeeming himself for his earlier drop, and Korean with a fine low catch of a faint edge.
The doggies ended their innings with 199 all out. Notable bowling mentions:
GI Joe 4.2-0-32-2
Step 6: Skin the doggies
Starring: Sir Dick
Sir Dick opened the innings and immediately sunk his teeth into the left arm spin of JJ. That assault would continue for three overs and JJ was not to be seen bowling again.
Not surprisingly, there was a moment of controversy when Shit Shoes was bowled even though the bails had fallen off before the ball was delivered. There was some deliberation but the doggies decided not to call shit shoes back to the crease. He was dismissed for a duck to make his day worse. Umpire justified it as being OK because Shit Shoes attempted to play a shot. Top work ump!
Keen to protect the vital wickets of Tango and Fluffer and avoid another trademark Bashers collapse, Skiddy stumbled onto the pitch clutching his hammy in what was to be a hilarious but painful innings.
Sir Dick continued to play a fine innings with shots all around the ground, including a B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L flick off his toes for four down past short fine leg. Some lusty blows from Sir Dick minimized the running and Skiddy was able to chip in with a few well placed cut shots and a couple deliveries that were dispatched from sight. The silence from the Bashers tent prompting Sir Dick to question what it would take to get some cheer and applause going. Color him not impressed.
Sir Dick reaching his well deserved half century with a boundary past mid off. He looked set for a big one and the doggies were starting to fear for their lives. His innings was cut short by a debatable LBW decision off a delivery that looked like it might just miss leg stump. Too close to call. Sir Dick stood around for a bit before walking off with a wry smile. A poor naive doggie made the mistake of asking him to check the score while he walked off. He’s lucky to be still standing. Sir dick should have had at least 20 more runs to his name had Skiddy been fit enough to run 2’s and 3’s. That will probably be the last time we’ll see Skiddy playing two games in the same day. Idiot.
Struggling to stand, Skiddy asked for an early drinks and proceeded to get clean bowled the next ball. Early drinks were had by all as Skiddy laid down on the ground.
Step 7: Slaughter the dogs
Starring: Fluffer and Tango
With 3 wickets down and about half the runs on the board. Tango walked out to the middle to partner Fluffer in what would be a game winning partnership. Fluffer had made up his mind to spank the doggies and was only dealing in boundaries. One of the highlights of the innings was when he proceeded to smash Captain Hot Dog all over the ground and out of the attack in an over that would yield 22 runs. A feat met with loud applause from the Bashers.
Tango, not to be left behind, played some glorious cover drives and straight drives to hit 3 consecutive fours. That doggie too wasn’t seen bowling again. Bashers well and truly on their way to victory.
One after the other, the doggies came charging in, and went back with their tails between their legs.
Fluffer in a hurry to finish off the game with two more 6’s to the longest boundary to end the game unbeaten on 48. Tango with a sublime 43 not out to his name.
Bashers win by 7 wickets with 7.3 overs to spare.
Notable batting performances:
Sir Dick – 50
Fluffer – 48*
Tango – 43*
Step 8 – Perhaps the most crucial. Enjoy the sweet taste of victory with a Dr. Tim’s to wash it all down
The victorious Bashers minus Warcry, Shit Shoes and Adam got on the bus back to the camel. A couple of doggies licking their wounds managed to sneak on the bus and were given cold beverages to enjoy. A great victory was followed by a shit naming session and a fines session with its own highlights as Fluffer needed to repeatedly be explained what pre match is. Tucker had to be explained what his own caught and bowled meant. Tucker got fined for not introducing his Missus to the Bashers.
A well deserved Bashers double on the day and a Pleasure Doggy Double in the span of 8 days.