Day 1 – Welcome Drinks

Welcome to the chronicles of the inaugural Bashers Tour of England. The beginnings of the tour had been born in the Prince Alfred Hotel in Sydney on a boozy afternoon in Sept ’25. From there a committee of select Bashers worked tirelessly (at times) to bring the tour to life.

For four glorious days of cricket, banter and general disorder Bashers from all over the UK, Europe, Shanghai and even down-under gathered together. The locale was Great Saxham in the picturesque rural backwaters of Suffolk. Weeks of mid 30°s weather, with the clearest blue skies, had parched the landscape into a wide brown land.

Our first assembly point was the local golf course. Fruity, Windy, Silver Bullet’s hair and Bambi played an over of holes in the late afternoon sunshine. Meanwhile, Post-op, Tucker, and Shoes sampled some local lagers, while youngster Sofia (Tucker’s daughter) dug up the sandbox for the local golfers.

The Bell Inn, Kennett, was the next stop for the Bashers tour welcome drinks. Martin, the barkeep, was surprisingly calm. The Bell Inn was a sleepy old pub and had certainly never experienced the whirlwind pandemonium of a Bashers drinks. He had no idea what was about to occur over the next few hours.

The golfers and spectators drove to the Bell around 7pm. Not long after Pope, Tango and Rash arrived in one cab, yelling greetings from the open windows. Cracker and his brother Russell (soon to be named Clicky) walked the 600m from the train station and Messi strode up from his airBnB from the opposite direction.

The collapse of Bashers gathered together for the first time in years. Of course, banter, laughter and general merriment ensued over numerous pints and a quality pub feed. Bambi finished the night with a round of dark and stormies. He was vocal. He was obnoxious. It might even be classed bullying or harassment in today’s HR controlled world of snowflakes.

Poor Martin was traumatised. He was still suffering PTSD a couple of nights later when Loose Unit mentioned the Bashers.

Day 2 – Bashers vs Chippenham

Overnight rain had all bit disappeared into the bone dry landscape. The Bell Inn had no breakfast, so everyone assembled at Saxham Hall for chocolate croissants, coffee and bananas. The breakfast of champions after a big night.

The Bashers arrived to the oval early for bacon rolls, tea and beers. Just as well there was an antipodean on hand to operate the barbie. New tour merch in dazzling sky blue matching England colours was handed out and team photos were taken.

Shoes won a token toss and chose to field first. It was a stitch up between Fruity and the hosts. The format for the game was time and declare, which you probably need a PPT presentation and booklet to understand. If you ask Fruity he can talk about the strategy for hours. In fact, if Fruity is reading this, then he definitely needs to start a podcast on this topic.

Bambi struck on the first ball of a fiery opening spell with Tango taking a sharp catch in slips. At the other end Rash bowled a probing spell of 7 or 8 overs on the trot. It wasn’t long before Bambi added another bowled and the Bashers were on top.

Fruity rang the changes and Messi came on to bowl a few entertaining overs. Scoring increased and the game moved along rapidly.

Enter the Silver Bullet. Long silver hair flowing in the breeze. One delivery landed at second slip, the next bounced near his front foot. Then in a moment conjured by the cricketing gods he drew a false shot and the edge popped up to Tucker in gully. Hilarious celebrations. High fives. “You’re looking at a legend”, said peak Bullet Bond.

Shoes came on at the other end. Fruity staunchly refused any defensive fielders. It was time and dec. after all. Scoring slowed. Then a lovely bit of flight and guile and the ball feathered the top of off. Lover-ly when the plans work out.

Fruity went off for several beers. The field settings stayed aggressive. Cranky and Tango took the ball. Cranky bowled with fizz off the short run and got a bowled. He might have got a couple of plumb LBWs if only the umpire, Fruity Senior, had obliged. Later he said giving them out would have “spoiled the match”.

More runs. Tucker came on for a couple of overs. Then Bambi finished off the innings from one end with another brace of wickets, including a full pace yorker to remove Sophie in the 80s. At the other end Shoes had been mauled for a couple of tired overs. “Get better Shoes” was uttered by a disgruntled Pope at point. So in the final act of the innings Shoes picked a casual one handed c&b to his right. Chippenham 242/8 off 36.5 overs.

Key contributions in the field:

• Fruity for setting the most aggressive fields
• The tree for giving shade to a jetlagged and statuesque Cracker
• Rash 7-0-26-0 (for bowling so well Bambi got wickets)
• Bambi 7-2-19-4
• Shoes 7.5-2-45-2
• Cranky 3-0-15-1 (unlucky with those LBWs)
• Silver Bullet 4-0-48-1 (including 5 wides and 2 no balls)
• All 15 Bashers who interchanged to field throughout the innings

Afternoon tea with ham, cheese, pies, brownies and cakes was delightful. Then Cracker and Benchod strode out to open the Bashers innings. Cracker squeezed a boundary behind point, then immediately got bowled. Four and out. He said there was nothing in it, except he hadn’t moved his feet. Those feet hadn’t moved for 30 odd overs in the field either so it must have been jetlag.

Tango in his first bat in seven years quickly accelerated the scoring, while Benchod turned over the strike. It was wonderful cricket. Then after a glorious leave Benchod heard the death rattle. Enter Fruity for a few overs of forward defense and a chaotic suicide runout that he painfully lamented “was 75% your fault” to Tango.

Post-op and Tango kick started the scoring again, with Tango moving into a big 50. The batting was entertaining until a big aerial shot by Post-op was caught in the deep. There were 18 overs left with 120 odd to get. Bashers still on top, right? Wrong. Tango played all round one from the youngster and was walking back.

Enter Pope and Cranky for some glorious shots disappearing down the hill into the distance. Then a flurry of wickets as the Bashers looked unlikely to break 200. The last wicket partnership of 30 runs between Tucker and Rash got us agonizingly close. In the end the Bashers finished on a creditable 228 all out off 34.3 overs.

Key contributions with the bat:

• Tango 81 (55) was in vintage form
• Benchod 16 (20) and achieving a bucket list dismissal by getting bowled off a leave
• Cranky 26 (23)
• Pope 19 (12)
• Tucker 19* (12) and might have got us home if he farmed the strike a little better
• Fruitbox 3 (24) with a test innings in challenging self inflicted inebriated conditions

The fines session started soon after the serving of a few bunnings snags with onions. Cranky took charge and it was soon evident that Fruity was already in a well lubricated state after several beers on the boundary rope before/after his innings. He attracted fines like a lightning rod.

Chirp from the sidelines called for Silver Bullet be renamed Silver Mullet on account of that mop flowing around his head. General agreement and laughter confirmed the new tour name for Silver Mullet.

Things got heated over the controversial “anyone who scored 3 runs off 24 deliveries” fine. Fruity maintained rather strongly that this fine should have named the Basher rather than begun with an “anyone”. Unfortunately Fruity was convicted by a jury-of-his-peers for a full vessel fine.

The sun had set and suddenly it was apparent that the Tharp Arms would be closing soon. So a bustle of activity ensued to collect the gear, then it was decided to leave it back in the change rooms. Thanks to Bambi for his next day pick up of the entirety of our kit.

Onward to the Tharp Arms where more local ales, lagers and ciders were consumed. The cricket and fines had everyone in good spirits. Suddenly some spiced rum and cokes appeared and it was clear the pub was closing. Back at Saxham Hall the festivities continued late into the night on the terrace.

Day 3 – Horse Races at Newmarket

Windy and Shoes had agreed to meet at 7.30am to chase the trout in the lake. Enthusiasm was rising due to Windy Senior’s excellent catch while the Bashers were playing cricket at Chippenham. Silver Mullet and Shoes drove on up to the Hall at the agreed time.

Bambi spotted us from his upstairs window and, after putting on a shirt, unlocked the front door to let us in. No signs of Windy. In fact, Windy would not appear until nearly 10am.

So Shoes started strumming gentle tunes on Bambi’s guitar to accompany the croissants and tea for breakfast. Bambi took his car to collect the kit from the change rooms.

Eventually, the fishing was hampered by local trees and overhanging branches. Shoes moving close to the water ended up with one leg coated in a therapeutic clay bath. No trout were harmed and all nymph flies and leaders were retained.

Two taxis took the blazer-and-tie-ed Bashers to the Newmarket races. Tucker had procured premier tickets, and it turned out that premier is the same as general admission in Aus.

Not much of note happened at the races, and certainly this isn’t the place to record any losses to the bookies. Cracker fell asleep in the stands. Shoes exited after a single aperol and had a refreshing 7 hour nap. Fruity was the big winner with 75p for a £5 bet both ways on the favourite. Perhaps also mentionable was the fact that no Bashers picked up a win in a four horse race and Rash refused to bet on his horse namesake who won comfortably.

The events at the Bull later were legendary. The band that accommodated Silver Mullet on stage are probably firing their security detail. Cranky met some old Saffa friends of friends and had a delightful conversation.

Meanwhile, Loose Unit landed and drove to the Bell. Shoes, finding a second wind, joined him at the bar for 4 pints in 40 minutes. Martin kept looking at his watch and frowning. Loose quickly gained the floor with the barflies, named Mick as Mick-the-Brick (who will now probably never get called anything else), and promoted Aussie culture.

Everyone reconvened at The Windy Farm for drinks and guitar on the terrace. Loose handed out a few rough-as-guts Italian cigars. Bambi and Shoes kept up the music. “Get better Shoes”. Good times.

Day 4 – The Windy Farm Sixes

The Bashers were starting to show the effects of the previous three days. The 10am start slowly drifted towards 12 noon.

Tea and bacon sarnies were served on the terrace under yet another blue sky. Bambi managed the player auction between Sharapova – The OGs – and Clicky – The A Team. The other captain was Silver Mullet with a team naturally called The Silver Mullets. Silver Mullet actually missed the auction by appearing at the local church in Bashers blazer to shake everybody’s hands.

Pool play was decided for 3 games and the Bashers moved two paddocks over to the SHCG (Saxham Hall Cricket Ground) pronounced Eschhhh-C-G.

The SHCG field had been lovingly prepared by Jack the groundsman. The hay was cut and the heavy roller had been tractored around the oval. You couldn’t say it was exactly a smooth surface. The residual stubble left after the shave hid a multitude of sins. If you received a shave like that you might not pay the barber.

The pitch itself had received 12 tons of water with little evidence that any such water had been delivered. It was uniformly sunburnt to a golden brown. However, there were a lovely pair of wickets, with brand new wood smell, and with nicely oiled springs.

Results and statistics on days like this are irrelevant, but let me sum up some of the key points:

• The OGs – a collection of the old guard of Bashers – went through unbeaten
• Sharapova was the best batter of the matches, although she did have the advantage of missing the first three days
• The A Team won the other game
• Silver Mullet put in the worst umpiring performance imaginable and it was probably worse than you can imagine
• Pope took an absolute cracker of a one handed catch and then ran over the boundary
• Sharapova put down a catch next over to even the score
• Cracker wasn’t at his best to the great disappointment of his brother Clicky
• The comments over the PA system by Rash, Bambi, Cranky and others were hilarious, but you had to be there
• Silver Mullet 2.0 caused massive concerns until we realised he only looked like his twin
• Tucker batted barefoot with pads, which nobody could understand.

At the end of the third game there was a calamity of calamities. The ball was destroyed by either some over vigorous hitting or impact with half buried stones in the outfield.

Thereafter, the fiasco of the super overs played with a bouncy kiddy ball took place. It is hardly worth mentioning this part of the “cricket”, except Fruity collared batting and bowling in both super overs.

Somehow the worst team during the sixes ended up winning the tournament by super overs. What a funny game is cricket?! Well done Fruity and the Silver Mullets. What might have been if only Fruity had bought that aggressive tenacity to the game against Chippenham?

Some Bashers departed back to children, work, responsibilities and the civilian life. Others jumped in the pool, which was lovely. Still others sat on the pool wall smoking cigars and drinking ciders, beers, or premixes. There was a genuine feeling that few days of cricket will be this perfect.

The pool wall became the scene for fines led by Shoes for the remaining Bashers, while Windy operated the BBQ to cook up some lamb. Fines expanded to the entire weekend. Notable were the “regaine use” fine for Tucker and the “anyone who has gained 5kg since last playing for the Bashers” fine for just about everyone else.

Cranky postponed his ferry to the continent so he could partake of dinner on the terrace. Lamb, sausages, baby potatoes, and fresh greens, served with what felt like several cases of red wine, and raw radishes for some crunchy heat. Phenomenal.

Toasts were made to the hosts by every Basher remaining in appreciation of the warm Suffolk hospitality at The Windy Farm. Dessert brought general hilarity over Shoes pronunciation of ice/ass cream. Further joviality was achieved comparing Benchod’s suit for the races to a car of Windy Senior’s youth with the nickname “The Flying Turd”.

Once the hosts retired, the fines session was restarted by Windy with a call to Birdshit in Macau. Birdshit poured probably 3 or 4 beers at 6ish in the morning: a beer for everytime the call dropped.

Despite never getting past the first negative bowling fine the technology of fines sessions advanced massively. Birdy was balanced on a biscuit plate against a candle, in turn balanced on the rotating water jug for 360° vision. Calculations suggest he was online and getting a good view of the dark night for a good hour.

It is true that numerous tumbles and broken crockery resulted from the Jenga stack of tableware. The candle might have started a fire the three times it fell, but it didn’t. All great leaps in human history must come at a cost: you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Here ends the chronicles of the first ever Bashers tour of England. It was fabulous. Messi in his clear teacher-thinker-speech said it reminded him of how much he loved playing cricket with the Bashers in China. It was the absolute pinnacle of Bashers tours and will definitely be repeated. Don’t miss the next one!