The Craic with Bashers at the Gaelic

A Lumberjack for the 2014 Gaelic Football International All-Comers Competition Day Thingy @ SRFC on Saturday 8 March.

The aches are subsiding enough for me to move my arms and fingers now that i can provide some sort of recollection of the events from Saturday.

In short, improvement was had in on pitch performance but decidedly not meteorologically.

It was a very reasonable start time for catching a bus from the Camel and a few Bashers were aboard (although Tantric in body only). There was much lamenting at the lack of an esky. I was sure that every bus had one, this was a new experience for me.

So Tantric, Pope, Birdshit, The Toe were met by Stats and our mascot for the day Starfish Willy at the SRFC. We were joined by a contingent from BISS including Biss Chris and some guy I thought was called Clarise but that was probably my cold ears. We were also allocated a couple of “Pros” (Not that kind). John and Aiden were to be the backbone of our side about which the rest of us were the atrophied organs. The gave us a few helpful pointers and fielded our questions, after which I think their understanding of the game had decreased more than ours had improved.

First up a team from Suzhou and bloody hell, what are the chances, they were wearing white too. They were made to put on some Hi-Vis vests but it really was no help to most of us in following what in Ireland was going on. We carried on our wooden spoon form of last year as the youthful yet experienced Suzhou side ran about us as if they were in Jetsons cars. Pope was active in the goalie square, getting hand to ball mere seconds late each time. At some stage later in the match we made it into the opposition half and the match reached a peak of excitement as we almost scored.

Suzhou 5.04 = 19
BISS Bashers 0.00 = 0

Our first goal had been achieved, we could only improve from here. The next aim was to score a point.

By the time our next match against SUIS came around we’d been joined by Sir Dick, Korean and a fish out of water named Long Dong. We also got the hang of using substitutions which was obviously something we needed a lot. The graph of our development during this match would resemble a proudly erect penis. Sir Dick showed some tremendous determination to inflict injury and BISS Chris was Gimli-like in battle. Long Dong ranged large in midfield, at one point almost coming within a few metres of the ball before deftly backing away. Stringing together a few slick moves we eventually unlocked our first goal by scoring. While we still trailed by a few on the scoreboard we could have left the pitch with our heads aloft at that point (we never did decide whether the pitch was the white lines or the blue lines). Then something remarkable happened. Quite the antithesis of a Bashers collapse, a massive flurry in the final 45 seconds saw us erupt forth with two goals and a point on the siren to win. Yes I said win. Bashers overachieving! Long Dong couldn’t handle it and left to prepare for his birthday.

SUIS 1.01 = 4
BISS Bashers 2.02 = 8

Tubby arrived and so did the drizzle intensify. It really was unpleasant (The cold and the rain, not Tubby, he’s delightful). He inserted himself at keeper for the next match claiming to own an impressive boot, hence showing that he was cluey enough to have us cling to the most neanderthal of tactics. We never saw evidence of the massive boot  but his prowess at getting in the way was literally and figuratively match saving. At one point he was so dominant that he even effected a save, passed it straight back to the All Stars player so he could have another go from close range only to have it blocked again. The intimidation carried on upfield as well with The Toe in particularly angry form and he was rewarded with actual points! Tantric was struggling to hide his disappointment at not receiving the pass he had waited all day for as John the pro streamed continuously upfield to score like some sort of demonised ballerina bulldozer. Meanwhile the chorus of Bashers roamed about feeling more and more like they knew what they were doing even though visual evidence of such was mostly lacking. Some earlier strategising between Korean and myself led to me momentarily forgetting to use my hands. Eventually though the clouds parted for a fleeting moment and Tantric was handed his time in the sun. He will happily talk you through the next moments frame by frame next time you see him at the Camel (This Thursday).

All Stars 1.00 = 3
BISS Bashers 6.02 =20

Things were getting weird now. The lofty heights of a winning season were making our heads dizzy. This was not helped by the increasingly complex theories being postulated as to what was to happen next. Our Captain for the day was Stats, who had not set foot on the field as yet as he was preoccupied with tracing down some breasts for Billy’s lunch. This achieved he made his apologies and departed somewhere less arctic. As it turned out we were to meet the English on some sort of bronze medal match. By this stage the oppressive cold had precipitated signs of lethargy on both side and treaties were drawn up to call the match off but that would have been a bit lame. A compromise of deciding it on a penalties was proposed but then the english realised that they would certainly lose in that scenario. So once more onto the battlefield. Nobody really knows what the score was in that final match, most assume that the english won.

A hasty retreat to the SRFC pavilion for a couple of cold ones which because Einstein said so did not seem so cold. Mrs Stats made a valiant effort to be heard in the barn as prizes were given out. The Australians from the AFL Tigers winning the O’Connor Cup for the men’s comp (beating the Suzhou team we met first up) and our own Lady Dick medalling with the New Zealand side who took out the Brophey Trophy. Well done Mrs Stats too.

Further after match functions were back in The Member’s End at the Camel with Fish ‘n’ Chips making me feel right back at home after the Hibernian excursions of the day. A splendid day it was too, if you could gloss over the frigid conditions. The Bashers (with a little help) blew away all expectations of performance on the Gaelic fields and I’d highly recommend it as an excellent pre-season outing.