Philippines Sixes 2016 Lumberjacks

So many memories, most forgotten. The following is a team effort lumberjack following the fortunes of the remarkable band of Bashers who ventured to the Philippines in November 2016 for cricket and other activities.

First up, doing the Friday’s tripping, even though he was told to do a different section, here’s Bambi:

Friday Afternoon Happy Hours by Bambi

After arriving at the airport meeting a halfling American who was kind enough to join the group on tour, the band of merry men set off on the 4-hour journey to the hotel.

About 2 and a half hours in to the 4-hour journey…

We arrived at the hotel. A fairly positive anti-climax. The well-versed Omega and Bird Shit had intelligently booked rooms for the Thursday night despite our Friday morning circa 9am (maybe… ish…) arrival at the hotel. As Omega took off to a separate building to do… things; the rest of us dumped our shit in Birdy’s room (not the same kind of shit Bambi generously left in Pussy’s room later in the evening) and headed to the pool!

A few beers and belly flops later, Mal returned to join the crew and the rest of us checked in before everybody headed out for lunch (Pussy is yet to arrive as he was flying from India via Hong Kong, Texas and the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia).

We found a pretty decent hotel that served Indian/Singaporean/Malay/Indonesia cuisine that I think repeat Philippines 6s tourists had visited previously. The grub was good, beers were flowing, but alas there were no balls for us to play with in the pool; plenty of k*nts around though. [Editors note: can we swear on here?]

Swinging by Shipwrecked and after a daring bet between a dancer and our cervid tourist, the team was soon lucky enough to witness a fellow Basher whip his kit off and dance on stage. Bravo!

Following a rapid escape from the wiles of evil temptresses, we headed back to the hotel to get some Pussy, who was now checked in at the hotel.

Naturally, rum and the swimming pool were back on the cards and as we gaily splashed and frolicked amongst the water we notice a lack of participation from Tour Accountant Skidders and Tour Kok Pussy. Skid Row was soon reduced to his under garments and tossed into the pool whilst Pussy cowered in the corner. Tank and Bambi took a pause from their ego-/bicep-flexing session of tossing each other in the pool to join forces and chuck Pussy into the 8ft deep end of the pool. He soon began to splash and flail in the water with a look of desperation in his eyes, as they bulged to about the size of his probably not very large testicles.

“He can’t swim!” explained/observed (really not sure if he already knew) Paps.

“He’s just being a d*ck,” reported Bambi, catching on to Pussy’s boring pranks.

As the flailing continued, Bambi took the moment as his chance to shine and dived majestically into the water, quickly swimming over to Moggy. Ever the sceptic, he promptly grabbed Pussy’s head and shoved it under water for a few seconds.

Moments later, Pussy emerged, now even more panicked than before and his eyes looking as large as cricket balls. His arm actions closely resembled the batting technique he adopted during the tour.

“He’s not faking!” Bambi reported, as he casually swam back to the pool wall by himself to let the real hero of the hour take control as Bird Shit elegantly climbed into the pool by the ladder and swam to Pussy’s aid, escorting Pussy to the poolside where he began to pant and probably pass out momentarily.

(Yes this means Birdy was an escort for a dying man… it takes all sorts).

After a few more rums and beers we decided it was time to get to the social event, so we headed back for a change and blazered up – time to represent.

Following sound advice from Tank we then turned up at a nearby hotel, headed to the yard/beer garden and sat down with drinks.

“Bloody hell it’s packed!” Said nobody.

“Are you here for the cricket do”? Was a question asked to anyone around who was listening.

“What’s cricket?” / “No.” / “1000 pesos! … Okay, 500!”

Were typical responses as we soon discovered we were in the wrong venue and headed off next door to join the real event.

Rocking up in style we outshone every other team there; all two of them as everybody else was a flop and couldn’t handle beer the night before a 6s tournament. There were a bunch of Aussies (this includes New Zealanders) who were all wearing matching polo shirts so it was nice to see we weren’t the only team taking the tournament seriously.

The contest hadn’t even begun and we’d already bagged our first win: Best Dressed 2016. Suave.

Omega decided to order pizzas for all of the Bashers. Not wanting to seem unsocial, he was kind enough to allow cricketers from other teams to take a slice or two but became disgruntled when they took away an entire pizza.

“These are for my team,” he muttered to himself, “I just bought three pizzas and these k*nts think they can rob one?!” [This quote may or may not be accurate.]

It soon dawned on the tour veteran that the remainder of his team had vanished and he was left nursing the pizzas by himself. As if he wasn’t confused enough, he then went to pay for the pizzas… which it turns out were free for all the cricketers! Sharing is caring.

Saturday Pool Play: Bashers History is Made by Skid Row

Coming soon…

A Fine Saturday Night with Tom and Jerry by Tank

Following a long day of cricket in the Philippine sun, the Bashers decided (wisely) to forego the Tournament Function being held near the ground and instead, return to the hotel for a bit of relaxation, followed by dinner, fines and a night on the town.

Half the team decided to follow Paps for massages – he assured everyone these were “legitimate” massages and that nothing funny was going to happen – while the other half congregated back at the poolside to begin with what would become the drink of choice for the evening, Tanduay Rhum and Coke. Once the (now well oiled side) of the team returned, the entire touring contingent set off on a quest to find food.

Reckoning that better places were to be had off the bar street, Pussy led the way into town, only to discover that two blocks past said bar street, the food choices, like the bar girls, began to look grim. Retracing our steps a bit, we stumbled upon yet another restaurant selling Indian cuisine and no longer caring what we ate, we entered. Originally planning to just eat dinner, this Little India would become Ground Zero for an epic tour fines session (expertly run by Fines Master BS) that nearly killed Bambi.

Dinner was served, and except for the occasional intrusion of a mouse running across the restaurant floor, and the odd photo gallery of some of the world’s despots on the wall, it proceeded without much ado about anything.

Following dinner, and having tasted the sweet nectar that is Tanduay, it was decided that we would commandeer the couches in the middle of the restaurant and proceed with fines. At this time, the place was still fairly empty so the staff were only too willing to accommodate our requests for more bottles of rum. Fines master BS kicked off the session and there was no looking back.

As the restaurant filled with customers, and we cracked open the third bottle of Tanduay, the staff were clearly wishing that we would finish up and move on. Though thankfully, by the time we had opened the third bottle, the loudest Basher of the fines session, Bambi, had succumbed and was bobbing his head and muttering incoherently (see photos below).

Following fines, and after BS and Skiddy escorted Bambi back to the hotel to sleep it off, the remaining Bashers took in some bars recommended by Pussy, decided they were all shit, and headed to Shipwrecked. One by one, the remaining Bashers made their eventual way back to the hotel at not too late an hour as an 8am start was looming.

Bambi None – Rhum One

Sunday Cocktails (and Cricket finals) by Omega

Breakfast was quite the subdue affair , as the Bashers were suffering from Rhum ( yes spelled correctly ) glow on a massive fines session that knocked Bambi for six.

The bus left for the ground at 8.30 , with the Bashers not knowing when they would be taking the field . On arrival we were told we had first game against a team from somewhere else .

We duly lost the toss and were asked to bowl .

Birdshit figuring that the short guys would start bowling first leaving the bigguns for the end of innings .

We conceded around 60 runs, as the boundary was peppered , and a few wides contributed to their total. The Paps trap with Bambi at fly slip coming into play .

As it was still shitfully early , we had no respite and padded up for our reply . Skiddy and Bambi opening.

Their first bowler being there to make up the numbers conceded nearly half the required runs , giving the Bashers a sniff.

Skiddy feeling he had scored plenty though was dismissed in the second over for 9 runs , even though 28 runs conceded.

Omega in and out without doing much but finding the fielders , bowled trying the inside out drive.

Paps and Bambi had a little 2 over cameo, but never got within 20 of the other teams target.

Once the game was over , the Rhum drinking started . ice, coke and cups from the local 7/11 and couple of beer chasers .

As we were crap in the first game, it wasn’t long before our next game against another team , methinks the Heckle and Jeckle 2s  who we had quite the agro game win on the Saturday with the No1’s.

With Moggy deciding to let Tank have a go , Tank was quite excited to be in a team that valued his cricket skills rather than his baseball skills.

That said , Omega donned the keepers gloves as his bowling shite.

Cant remember Birdshits logic on how he worked out the order , but I remember the bigguns bowling first so height may have been in play , or alphabet , it is all so common.

I guess we got spanked again, Paps the exception with a toight over , Bambi, Skiddy bowling fruit , Tank giving a couple of wides , and BS miserly once again.

Out to bat , talk of the ground was what would Tank do with the willow .

Slotted to come in No4 , he was made to wait while Bambi and Skiddy , then Omega soaked up the balls for little return.

Finally given a chance in the 4th over he came in to the non strikers end , and a single off last ball from Omega kept him edgy .

Eventually Tank got on strike and showed his MCC teammates the folly of their ways by hitting 4 into their tent .

Unfortunately that was his highlight and the Bashers went down in a haze of vapor.

It must also be added that Moggy and Bambi changed clothes 4 times over the course of 2 games  but never really seemed to look anything other than drunk.

With the official cricket over , Bashers going where no Bashers had gone before in the Filipines  , winning a game, it was decided we should drink more RHUM .

After cold coke and dubious ice were purchased, congratulatory drinks on a fine tournament played, missed and bungled.

Our table resembling the sesspit of humanities best and worst, our fines never got going as motorcycle rent-a-cop had seen our makeshift Bar on the ground with big signs saying NO ALCOHOL

Suitably un impressed he decided that rules are rules and we were not following them so we had to pack up ( hide) our booty and try to keep a low profile.

An impossible task with the quieter than a mouse Moggy and Bambi and BS, Skiddy and Paps all ably assisting.

Omega decided a nice nap was in order and tried but failed, and so the quorum decided to head back to the hotel for fines , pool and more of the same nonsense .

On returning to our den of iniquity, the team split up to meet for dinner with our gracious host to a local restaurant .

Bambi, BS and Skiddy made rude oil rings in the pool, Paps a massage and Omega some sleep – ( Note to all, Rhum in large quantities { I said tities ! he he } will keep you awake all night . )

At 6.30 we gathered again and made our way to meet our guide who took us via a 150m Jeepmee ride to a famous local restaurant , where we ordered enough food for 16 cricket teams .

Deep fried everything , some rice , more deep fried meats, squid, fish, veggies and some beer later , stuffed and content , the team walked the 200m back to the Entertainment district , where this author went to bed while the others walked in circles for a while and ended up where it all started on the Friday night at the Sports Bar.

Hopefully someone else picks up from here , but a big thanks to Tank for arranging and taking great care of us , the organisers for a well run tournament.

Monday Pool Play by Paps

Coming Later…