It’s the Final Lumberjack da da da der, da da da da derrrr

Forget the result…..in the end it was great day out enjoyed by everyone with a large turnout of Bashers supporters, a final played in a great spirit, bathed in glorious sunshine and a Basher’s moment for the ages, courtesy of Hardon; and let’s not forget the conception of a new media empire and the birth of a sports anchor, Ali ‘Fruitbox’ Brown.

The excitement building to ‘finals week’ had been palpable ever since Leisure had beaten Dulwich two weeks previous in the Major Semi to go straight through to the Final. The weekend between had seen some of the keener Leisure squad members turn up to SCSC to have a net and watch Pleasure cruise through to their own final appearance, while at the same time using the opportunity to surreptitiously spy on Dulwich vs Pudong in the play-off match.  The intelligence stated that the tattooed Kiwi was back and Dulwich would be playing Leisure in the final thanks to a thrashing of Pudong.

The week before and the hype was ratcheted up to a whole new level with the news that team selection would be announced live during the inaugural broadcast of Bashers TV on Thursday night, from Cages.  Thursday night came and we were LOIVVVVVE with Ali Fruitbox Brown and Geoff Bhenchod presenting a half hour of scintillating sports coverage announcing the Leisure and Pleasure teams, ably assisted by Omega and Birdshit on production duties.

The build-up was starting to have an effect on the squad and the captain was having to converse on a daily basis with various team members about team selection, tactics and fielding positions. The build up was causing productivity at respective Basher’s places of employment to significantly decrease. Instead of selling gold, Giraffe spent the week drawing out fielding positions on sheets of A4.

With the team announced, the Basher’s gathered for the annual BBQ the day prior to the finals. Much in the same style as the BBQ Ian Botham hosted on the rest day of the famous 1981 Headingly test match, there were both Aussies and Brits present but unlike Beefy’s BBQ, there were also a few Indians, a couple of Kiwi’s and maybe the odd Saffa as well. The wine flowed, tactics were discussed, beer pong played, glass doors walked into and there was even a sing song round the old Joanna. Special mention to Spanner for pissing himself but not remembering the next day.

The next morning bright and early, and with no soreheads whatsoever, we gathered at Cages and were on the bus nice and sharp. Disappointingly, the advertised ‘live from the bus’ programme from Bashers TV was cancelled due to a missing anchor so the team settled for imbibing a couple of peado beers and getting mentally ready for the match.

Having arrived at the ground, the captain won the toss and, against his better judgement capitulated to the groundswell of opinion that we are better chasers and chose to have a bowl.  After a herculean effort by some members of the squad to set up the boundary rope on the far side of the field, we breathlessly took the field to start our demolition of the Dulwich batting order. Giraffe was opening the bowling, his field moved into place just as the piece of A4 had dictated.

The first over was a sobering affair, Giraffe hit for 18 by the returning Tattooed Kiwi including a shui ball 6. Our Panglossian ambitions were brought back to earth with a thud. On the other end came Hardon and although he didn’t go for as many as Giraffe he was on the end of his fair share of boundaries. After a couple of overs of toil for each of the opening bowlers, with the ball flying to all parts Giraffe took himself off and Fluffer came on to try to make a breakthrough, his express pace making things a bit uncomfortable for the Dulwich openers. Bhenchod came on at the other end and made a breakthrough straightaway removing the Kiwi just about held onto by Giraffe at square leg. Having scored 47 the damage was already done but at least we wouldn’t see him returning to the crease at any point later. Then in the same over the other opener was bowled by Bhenchod.

The next two batsmen at the crease were slightly less cultured than the openers and were trying to hoik everything to the leg side. Fluffer was taken off, to be saved for better batsmen coming later on and Giraffe was brought back to finish his spell.  He finished on a high by removing both batsmen including one of them on the last ball of his spell at which point drinks were taken.

By this time, several Bashers supporters had started to congregate at the ground. The BCCTV sports anchor had started the camera rolling along with Windy who, in a gradual state of undress, had come direct from the BBQ the day before via several salubrious establishments.

After drinks, Bhenchod bowled out finishing with figures of 2/34 and Omega and Birdshit came on to weave their mature magic, managing to successfully to remove one batsmen by getting him to retire and Birdshit removing another caught by 12^th man Gunty.

With four overs to go, Hardon and Fluffer came back to bowl the closing overs. Hardon took his first wicket of the day in his last over caught by Fluffer at mid-on.  The next ball was the exact same delivery from Hardon but with a little extra pace, and the same shot played by the new batsman and the same result, caught by Fluffer at mid-on once again. Now Hardon was on a hat-trick and after the post wicket assembly, everyone returned to their places ready to take the catch if it came our way. None of us seriously expected to be called into service, the normal outcome for Bashers in these situations would be to bowl a wide. On this occasion Hardon delivered a good straight delivery that kept low. The batsman took a swipe at it and there was a clearly audible under-edge on the ball which carried to Pope.

Cue scenes of wild celebration from the Bashers. On field Bashers were joined in a matter of tens of seconds by Fruitbox, Paps, Windy & Bullet who had sprinted like Paralympians to the square to congratulate Hardon. Hardon had taken 3 wickets with his last 3 balls. Looks like we’ll have about 6 months to wait to see if he can make it 4 in 4.

Fluffer finally got a deserved wicket in his last over and prevented the returning batsmen from adding to his score in the final over. Dulwich had set us 187 to win, which we all knew was going to be a tough chase.

The hours of tactical discussions during the week had given birth to a plan that in the case of us having to chase down a big total, Fluffer and Spanner would open the batting to try to get us off to a flyer. Fluffer made a good start hitting plenty of 4s and a 6 but Spanner was soon out for 7, the temptation of watching cricket with a cold beer more enticing than actually playing any cricket.  Fluffer was eventually out bowled for 27 and by his own admission, hadn’t given the bowler enough respect. In at 3 came Fisty Cymbals to steady the ship after Spanner’s early departure, he was joined by Bhenchod who was batting at 4. Neither really got going, Bhenchod, clearly tired after his weekend romantic encounter with a second row rugby player (female), using up seven balls to score a single, Fisty scoring a sprightly 10 before being bowled. Pope was next in who joint top-scored with 27 which included a couple of eye catching boundaries.

Omega was at 6 but unable to run very far having injured his groin dropping a catch during our fielding innings, he was out for 9. Tampon was at 7 and avoided adding to his tally of golden ducks for the season by scoring 10. Fake News returned from having disappeared between innings to take the longest shit ever just in time to pad up to and come in at 8. He was run out for 8. Giraffe scored 4, he might’ve scored more if his trousers weren’t so high, leaving Hardon and Birdy at the crease to bat out the overs. Hardon scored a quicker than a run a ball 16 n.o. and Birdy, batting for the first time this season scored  2 n.o. Obviously, we had lost, coming up short by about 45 runs.

With the result decided, the Bashers passed the most sincere of contrafibularities to Dulwich for another league win and it was time for the presentation. Ali Fruitbox Brown required zero persuasion to take the lead and make the presentation to Dulwich who were deserved winners for the season.

Onto the fines and in keeping with the previous season, Birdshit was assigned to do an end of season ‘best of’ fines but with one eye on the pleasure final in the background and some well-oiled spectators amongst the fine session, the distraction proved too much and the fines session soon deteriorated into an uncontrollable rabble, the lowest point being Windy, Fake News & Fruitbox ending up under several jugs of Tiger and baskets of chicken tenders when the lob-sided picnic table fell over. An increasingly frustrated Birdy placed a break on the fine session, to be restarted at the beginning of next season. How about fines on the bus on the way to the first game?

After watching (spoilers) Pleasure narrowly lose in the final, it was back on the bus and back to Cages where a few hardy souls carried on drinking until BCCTV went off the air and we all returned home and said au revior until the next opportunity we have to meet again, probably next Thursday at drinks, maybe at the AGM but for some a little longer. The final was both Bhenchod’s and Spanner’s last match for the foreseeable future for the Bashers, Spanner returning to Australia and Bhenchod off to colonise a people. We wish you both all the best.

And so t’was another season passed and another missed chance at glory, we got one step closer than the season before which means we are going in the right direction, next season we should definitely win the league. The highlight of the season was the victory two weeks before against Dulwich, it seems that we peaked too early this year.

One final note to say thanks to everyone who contributed this season by playing, supporting or reporting on any Bashers games, you are all a beautiful bunch of kunts.

For all the videos from finals week go here http://basherscc.org/blog/bashers-tv-finals-week/