Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori: Pleasure vs Pudong D2 Semi-Final

The Bashers D2 (aka the Pleasure Machine, aka Pain for Pleasure, aka Welcome to the Pleasure-dome, ad nauseum, ad infinitum), reach 7/129 to defeat Pudong Power D2 (10/128), to secure a controversial second successive appearance in the D2 final (after Pudong were unlucky to not receive 20 plumb LBW decisions).

Disclaimer: this report is complied from offical records, eyewitness accounts, and commentary compiled after the event. (The source credibility cannot be judged but as Steve Waugh said to Herschelle Gibbs: ‘never let the truth get in the way of a good story…’).Pre-Game: the Bashers selectors had chosen a strong side to take on Pudong, with the official score-book reflecting the team-sheet as follows:I Chowdhury (aka Hasina, aka Bikram Yoga, aka ‘Honey, where are my pants?’) A Gurnani (aka Skid Row, aka Skiddy, aka ‘Old Iron Gloves: leather bounces right off’) S Jolly (aka The Ambassador, aka Ambo, aka ‘he’s more machine than man now’) J Boynton (aka Bambi, aka Skip, aka ‘Commander of the Armies of the North’) R McLeod (aka Fluffer, aka Emperor of the Shui Ball, aka ‘he’s mostly ‘armless’) J Wilson (aka Sensation, aka Sensei, aka ‘I dive for no man’) W Griffin (aka Ghunty Rhodes, aka the Gunt, aka ‘how did bloody Benchod replace me in the scorebook?’) R Heslop (aka Nuts, aka The Technicolor Yawn, aka ‘The Porcelain Bus Driver’) A Darby (aka Square Root, aka Rooty, aka ‘no free hits’) V Jain (aka Damascus, aka The Sheik of Tweak, aka ‘I bowl ’em, not catch ’em’) D deSilva (aka Long Dong, aka The DonG with a silent G, aka ‘I’m just resting my eyes’).

At the time of writing this report no similar description was available for the Pudong side. However, discussions heard from the Royal Tent between Citizens Pon, Box and Chod did describe the Pudong team as closely approximating what can be (variously) described as ‘a large collection of a particular female body part’. This observer would rate this assessment as highly likely to be true.As Home team, Pleasure had the chore of setting the boundary, and in what proved to be the first display of tactical brilliance by the Pleasure captain (aka Maximus Decimus Meridius) the Bashers faithful set a small field (eyewitness accounts suggesting the rope was just shy of the pitch), thus leaving the outfield well within the striking range of the Bashers top order. The fact that the rope was knotted to such gordian proportions that it was too much effort to set a larger boundary, appears to have been a clever ruse.

Well played Pleasure…In what proved to be the second display of tactical brilliance (and going against the recommendations of some of his team), the Pleasure captain (aka General of the Felix Legions) called the coin toss correctly and chose to field: the weight of the outfield (still wet with dew from an evening storm) and the weight of the decision, not proving to be sufficiently heavy to sway his conviction that Pleasure should bowl, and that they could contain Pudong to an achievable total.The 11 men of Pleasure took to the gladiatorial field with high enthusiasm. Indeed, this observer’s recount includes Bambi (‘loyal servant to the true emperor’) leading a resounding chorus of “Ave Imperator, morituri te salutant!” (Hail, Emperor, those who are about to die salute you!)However, it was soon to be the wickets of the Pudong batsmen which would fall.

Spirited bowling from the Pleasure openers soon had the Pudong batsman pleading for mercy (or at least a ‘free hit’) but Rooty gave the thumbs down to such hopes, securing the first wicket; caught in the outer provinces of the Empire (official records attributing the catch to Damascus). Pudong 1/6 off 2.4 overs.Fine bowling by Dongy and Bambi (‘father to a murdered son’) kept the Vandal hordes at bay, whilst Fluffer peppered the hapless Pudong batsman with a sublime mix of short and full length bowling. Within short order, a few short-arm (or bent arm) jabs from Fluffer secured two further wickets for the Bashers, including an inspired catch from Bambi (worthy even of Caesar’s praise). Pudong 3/59 off 12.1.Shortly thereafter, the Damascene Warrior took his mark to inflict further carnage on the hapless Pudong top order. (Albeit, not before grassing a blistering return catch, which this observer suggests was so fast paced, that it would’ve been easier to stop one of Hannibal’s rampaging elephants than take the catch).

Two wickets to Damascus now leaving Pudong 5/94 off 19. But with their key batsman still at the crease.Now, Skiddy finally (and gratefully) eschewed the gloves for the ball, with Hasina (unwillingly, but expertly) taking over the glove-man duties.Thus the scene was set for the next dramatic stanza. With every ball from Skiddy subject to such expert flight that it was worthy of a Spartan spear-thrower, Pudong’s top scorer was gone; thanks especially to a sharp catch by Ghunty (yes, Ghunty not Choddy) in the covers. At 6-99 off 20, the smell of blood and vomitus now lay heavy in the air, as if it had been a day of lions vs Christians at the gladiatorial games. (Although this observer is led to believe this may have have been thanks to Nuts…). With a further wicket to Skidius Rowus leaving Pudong 7/108 off 22, talk amongst the Bashers of dismissing Pudong for a seriously low total now spread quicker than a murder plot in the Forum.

At this point, Ghunty returned to the field of battle having laid waste to Carthage (‘laid-waste’ being the operative word), to deliver two superb overs for two crucial wickets; the first clattering the stumps, with Sensation taking an uncharacteristic ‘standing’ catch for the second. This observer suggests this was possibly a wise reaction after witnessing the Ambassador’s earlier (pitiful) attempts at diving catches.The final death blow was then left to Skiddy, who finished with a fine three-for. Pudong all out for 128 off 26.3. Kudos to the Bashers Sundries for second top score on 34 and an honourable mention to Ghunty for refusing to bowl one extra delivery.Mid-innings saw the Bashers quietly confident, whilst equally cautious, with both recent and ancient history suggesting the Pleasure batting order could be more vulnerable to collapse than Vercingetorix opening the batting to the wily left-arm swing of Julius Caesar.

Hence Bambi (husband to a murdered wife) set the batting order with caution and due care. Just how the Ambassador found himself assigned no. 8 in the order, yet managed to secure himself at No.3 remains a mystery. This observer can only deduce that the Ambassador’s web of spies has obtained serious dirt on Bambi, giving him unprecedented leverage over batting order decisions.In no short order, Hasina and Skiddy strode to the crease. Representing what one casual Bashser’s observer described as possibly ‘the Basher’s shortest ever opening pair’ (in stature, but hopefully not duration). Unfortunately, the promising partnership was proven to be equally short in time, as Hasina was dismissed LBW in the third over (after surviving seven or eight strong shouts for LBW, which if you ask any Pudong player were certainly out).

Thus strode/limped/articulated the Ambassador to the crease. The ensuing partnership between Skiddy and the Ambo, was a mix of classy boundaries from Skiddy, cautious restraint from the Ambo, and wild air-swings from Skiddy. Crucially, sanity prevailed for Skiddy to finally find a defence more solid than Hadrian’s wall, with which he was able to see out a game defining over from Pudong’s D1 bowler (who despite having a physique more closely approximating Arjuna Ranatunga, was charging in and swinging the ball with more gusto than an Antipodean with a roll of sandpaper).Unfortunately, with almost 10 overs gone, and the partnership moving the Bashers score to a reasonable 35, Skiddy was caught out. Of course, had Skiddy not been caught then there was a good chance he may have been out LBW; that the ball hit the middle of the bat, being unlikely to be any disincentive to a spirited appeal from Pudong for plumb in front. Bashers 2/35 off 9.5.With the game now finely balanced, Bambi (I will have my vengeance) was next to the crease, and preceded to bludgeon three quick boundaries, whilst negotiating more appeals than you would see in a session of the Senate. True to form, with tensions mounting, Pudong tempers started rising, and not for the first time, this observer witnessed the sordid scene of Pudong players fighting on the pitch. The only difference this time being that their ire was aimed at the umpire rather than each other. Fortunately, tempers were abated after wiser heads suggested they should ‘save it for the Coliseum’.The Bashers score progressed smartly to 58 off 14 overs, before Bambi (my name is Gladiator) finally succumbed to the vagaries of the leg-before rule. Next, the highly conspicuous Fluffer (in blue pads no less) joined the Ambo, who after a sedate batting display finally managed to discover the boundary with a six to mid-wicket. With 17 overs gone, and the Pleasure score on a healthy 78, the Ambo failed to withstand yet another LBW appeal; Bashers now 4 down with 51 needed for victory.Now came the man of the hour, with Sensation sauntering to the crease, carrying with him an air of expectation not seen since the residents of Pompeii spotted smoke on Mt. Vesuvius.

With 6 wickets in hand and 50-odd to secure another memorable victory, this observer would have expected the scene on the boundary amongst the Bashers faithful to be calm and confident. Further boundaries from Fluffer and Sensation worked towards maintaining this feeling. However, with two quick run-out decisions Bashers confidence began to waver: this observer is unable to attribute any blame to these dismissals (mostly because he missed the two dismissals), but he is assured that both were not out. Fluffer and Ghunty gone, leaving the score at 6/92 off 21.4.Nuts and Sensation pushed the score along to 101 in the 24th, before Nuts fell, leaving Rooty with the task of holding up one end, and freeing up Sensation to ‘do the business (or the Pleasure, as the case may be)’. At this point Bashes calculations were redefined to account for a tied result, which would also secure a place in the final: 27 to tie, 28 to win, three wickets in hand.With Sensation swinging his blade like a Barbarian mercenary with a longsword, boundary-fours and a towering six pushed the Pleasure total ever closer towards the Pudong 128. Then, a crucial single from Rooty ensured the strike was handed to Sensation at the most opportune time. Now with only a handful of runs to secure victory (or a tie), Sensation spied a juicy full-length ball and proceeded to send the ball into orbit (if such a thing was possible considering the Earth is flat), for the game-winning six.Sensation’s victory run, reaching a speed that would’ve secured a position in the ancient Olympics if not the modern. It seems onwards and upwards for the Bashers Pleasure in the upcoming Final.This observer leaves the final words to the the venerable Pleasure captain, who standing atop the burning ruins that was the Pudong team, was reporting as saying: veni vidi vici (I came, I saw, I conquered).

Ex Obscurum Cometes Lux Lucis.