Bashers Cricket Club

Skid Row30 March 2019

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You smell that? That’s the start of another Bashers season. That means pies, beer, cricket and victory!

Skipper fruitbox looking to start the season off with a bang, sent a rallying cry, the first of the season. “… Stay safe tonight. No late nights, no drugs, no loose women… Or men”.

Touring Basher, fresh off the plane from Tokyo lacking action in every sense of the word, wasn’t about to head advice and was out on the town making stupid decisions. Those decisions shall not be discussed in this lumberjack. It remains unclear to this point if the skipper had listened to his own advice.

Sunday morning, ah the start of the new season, new shirts and new players, and a new tango? Much to everyone’s surprise, Tango was one of the early arrivals at cages and may have helped with the kit and Esky. (Unverified rumours). New basher – revelations was the first man in, always a good sign to see an eager beaver, or any beaver really. Beers were ready to go, kit was sorted out, the rest of the team was trickling into cages and the pies were being heated. Oh wait, no they fucking weren’t. Some “miscommunication” between the president/Business skipper and piemaker-in-chief “Fluffer” meant that the Bashers were going to start the season without any pies. Well, that’s just fucking splendid. So off the businessmen went, with the netters in tow, sans pies. New Basher “Sukka” (Guru) made it just in time and avoided a fine for missing the bus.

The first bus ride of the Business season was an entertaining one, although there were no pies. Fruitbox ensuring his charges felt the love, dividing his time with the new Bashers and returning Bashers alike, ensuring every Businessman was attended to. Although, the less said about his approach to fitness and working out the better. However, this is a lumberjack, and I’ve got nothing better to do while I sit on the metro on my way to dinner. So, here goes, fruitbox doesn’t understand why you need to train your legs. Doesn’t get why you’d need to lift heavy weights when you squat instead of just using your bodyweight. “Well, it’s not going to fucking make you faster is it?” Cut to Bambi, who wore a befuddled look on his face and could only muster up, “What?”. Fruitbox continues, “When the fuck are you going to need to lift 500 pounds, that’s just bloody stupid isn’t it. Stop messing about and just use your own bodyweight.”

Meanwhile, Mr. F45, a.k.a “Fake News”, fresh off his workout, had decided he’d had enough, and began vigorously beating it/shaking it behind Bambi’s seat, a bit of a cheeky grin of pleasure on his face. Bambi now even more shook than at fruitbox’s fitness beliefs, turned around to investigate what was going on. To his relief, that was just fake news, shaking his protein shake. Bambi mixed in a bit of old monk, that skiddy brought from Mumbai via Tokyo, and a new Bashers shot contender was born. Bambi, fakey and skiddy sampled the concoction and we’re pleased with the results.

The Bashers arrived at the SCSC with enough time to shoot the breeze, or warm up, I’ll let you guess what the Bashers chose. Eventually, the whites were put on, some catching practice had as fruitbox racked up the first win of the season – the all important toss and elected to bowl. Like the pies, the opening bowler, warcry was nowhere to be seen. This meant, Bambi was going to step in as a fielder, fucking great omen. Sukka, playing his first game as a Basher was going to get in on the action early and share the new ball with the MVP of the D2 2018 finals for the Leapords – Square Root. (Sorry rooty, no more references, maybe)

Fruitbox gave his prematch speech and the Bashers were off and running. Rooty, picking up where he left off in 2018, started off with some half trackers, almost beamers, and just filth, however, no front foot no balls. Well done rooter. Hopefully Sukka was going to have a better start to the season. His first over as a Basher was a forgettable one as some loose balls were bowled. The first few overs saw the Bashers leaking a few runs as the K2 batsmen started scoring freely and picking quick singles. The K2 captain, however looked more like a number 10 than an opener and was lucky to not edge one or two off of both Rooty and Sukka as the overs went on. The runs kept ticking over and fruitbox decided to bring on skiddy to try and break the partnership. The batsmen decided they weren’t going to take him on and wouldn’t play in the air. Skiddy was about to test that resolve with the slow, high, absolute shite pies that he usually bowls. At the other end, Sukka was replaced by Fluffer who after his impressive performance in D3 was back where he belongs. He started off well, sending down belters as the batsmen didn’t know what to do. Skiddy had a catch dropped (or was it a stumping missed) of his bowling but it didn’t cost the Bashers much as shortly afterwards fluffer got the number 10 opener to edge one and that was safely pouched by Revelations behind the wickets. Does D1 have a new keeper? Fluffer and skiddy kept up the pressure and Fluffer picked up another, almost a repeat of the first dismissal. And was unlucky to have a 3rd wicket denied a few balls later as Tango in slips dropped one to his right. can we get a count of the drops to catches taken? That’s 1:0 for 2019.

The runs kept ticking as edges fell safe, run outs missed and some good strokes by the other opener saw him bring up his fifty. Skiddy meanwhile kept chucking pies and was rewarded with a wicket in his final over as the set batsman unable to resist anymore swung hard only to send a skier into the waiting, safe, gorgeous hands of Sensation at long on who took a simple catch without diving. Oh look, he can catch without a needles dive. His celebration almost took out the skipper as he was pissed off about something. During his spell, skiddy also bowled what might be the slowest ball recorded in Shanghai cricket, barely managing to reach the batsman as it bounced a second time inside the crease.

Damascus was brought on and took a bit of a pasting as the batsmen looked to heave everything out the ground but managed to pick up a wicket.

Warcry and fruitbox had a go and both took a while to find their line and length. Fruitbox in particular had some trouble finding the pitch as he bowled some wides mixed in with general crap. Sukka was brought back on for a second spell and picked up a wicket caught by skiddy at coming in from mid off. With some lusty blows and heave ho golf swings, K2 ended with 270 after their 40 overs. The Bashers clearly unhappy with how things had ended.

Fruitbox decided to replicate the K2 strategy and opened with the Bashers’ very own no.10 opener Skiddy and Sensation who had talked himself up as an opener. Instructions from the skipper were clear, play out the first 10 overs. Sensation took first strike against their spinner and found himself walking back off the last ball of the first over having chopped one onto his stumps trying to dispatch the ball into the shui. Haseena at 3 came in and started to turn the strike around and was lucky to survive a run out shout. A few good shots, well placed forward defenses and singles later, he too would perish to the spinner trying to heave one onto the leg side only to be caught off the edge by cover. Fruitbox and Tango soon followed suit, out bowled and LBW respectively. Fluffer joined Skiddy at the crease and looked like these two would put on a partnership until fluffer decided he would pad one off leg stump and was given out LBW. Watching the wickets fall around him, Skiddy decided to play some shots and managed a few boundaries. Sukka having been off the market decided to go chasing wide balls instead of women and was caught at slip. Bashers in all sorts of trouble with not many runs on the board. Revelations replaced Sukka and promptly dispatched the first ball to the square leg boundary, sending shockwaves through the K2 side and getting Skiddy excited. However, he failed to heed Skiddy’s advice and was dismissed in a repeat of haseena’s dismissal.

Skiddy, warcry and Rooty were next men out as the Bashers ended with 89 all out with Damascus the man not out and about 15 overs to go. Hands were shook, Sukka was named, beers were had as Skiddy was made finesmaster and lumberjack. Fitting given the events of the day. SCSC fines were followed by bus fines which were followed by street fines. At cages, the business leadership group were having an intense discussion about the next few games and that’s when Bambi, rooty, fake news and Skiddy left for Indian kitchen. Wait, fakey was still here? you wouldn’t have known it with all that chirp he wasn’t giving.

The less said about the events at Indian kitchen, the better. But then again, now that I’m riding the metro home from dinner, I don’t have anything better to do. Old monk was had, some delicious food from our sponsors was had. And Pussy showed up with two women, one he claims was his sister who’s name Skiddy can’t remember and the other who was his “supplier”. What she was supplying is a mystery, but she was clearly more interested in Bambi. Unable to bear this, pussy decided he would rip off Bambi’s tour shirt which brought on the red mist. A very unwise move as pussy was choked with said shirt as the “supplier” drooled over Bambi’s returning abs. In the end, common sense prevailed courtesy of the wise old man that is Paps who declared, “Ok, one of you two needs to go”. With that, Bambi went home sans tour shirt, afraid of what to tell his Mrs. Pussy left with “his sister” and “his supplier”. Leaving paps and Skiddy at Indian kitchen to finish off a bottle of rum. Oh fuck, fakey, what are you still doing here. Arite, my stop is almost here so let me wrap this up.

A less than ideal start to the business season, but definitely some glimpses of what should be a promising Business side and season that has all the makings of a championship year. ‘Mon the Bash!