A story of the Beijing Sixes

This week we have a guest lumberjack. I’m not sure if the bashers blog has hosted a lumberjack from another team before but on this occasion the lines between the Bashers and Pudong Power became sufficiently blurred along with a few other things to allow this to happen.

We have two reports below firstly the VII act screen play from Mr Andy Baggot and then an abridged bulletpoint summery from our own Tubby.

 

Sit back, relax and enjoy……

 

2013 Beijing International Sixes

28^th to 30 June

The Bash-Dong Campaign

By Bilbo Baggot

 

The Cast

 

Bashers          Tubby  ……..……   Played By Mike Hall

A-Trois ………..…  Played by Manoj Zalpuri

Paps ……………..   Played by Sameer Jolly

Filthy …………….   Played by Phil Mildenhall

Pudong          A-Sprog…………..  Played by Amogh Kasyap

G-String………….. Played by Santosh Yadev

Bilbo ……………… Played by Andrew J Baggott

Frodo …………….. Played by Daniel Reddy Baggott

Cameo           Naughty Dragon… Played by Jon Newton

Moby ……………… Played by Darren Burns

Donegan’s Ghost.. Played by himself

                                                            

Notes for the reader:

There exists a great gulf in reporting cultures between The Bashers and Pudong; the former being precise and cutting in summary and the latter being verbose and self-indulgent. So, for the purposes of both clubs, I have inserted Tubby’s summary at the end so that the Bashers can take what they need quickly and Pudong readers can enjoy his editorial prowess.

Enjoy.

DONEAGAIN, in tribute to your previous efforts on tour and condolences for being repatriated to the UK. You are missed and so I made you a ghost. See link for last year’s write up to learn more about  

http://www.pudongpower.com/beijing-sixes-2012.html 

Act I – Thursday Night

The Scene – The sponsor’s bar – ‘Plan B’

Gather round sports fans! I have a tale to tell.

This ‘splatter of fact’ account of the Beijing campaign begins with a memory I have of telling Latex and Filthy some months ago,

‘ It doesn’t matter if you don’t have 6, we can merge and make a team.”.

And so it was that somewhere around midnight at Ian Syer’s bar, ( the appropriately named ‘ Plan B’ ) that first-comers A-Sprog, Bilbo, Frodo, Naughty Dragon and the Shenyang Sunbirds first caught sight of the Basher Blues of Filthy, A-Trois and Tubby as they stepped-up for the first time into the Beijing Sixes. They looked remarkably sharp despite being trapped for half a day on a train with Filthy ( and his lack of adult conversation. © Tubbyism).

Common sense prevailed, probably, but it was nowhere near us, as we sat about into the wee smalls and reviewed options for the first day’s play. Pudong had only 3 men and a half-ling. Paps and G-String were due at the Lido later and so it was agreed that the Bashers would use A-Sprog and G-String for the start of the campaign and Pudong would borrow any two Bashers who fancied more games …. In this way the Bashers had access to extra practice, keen as they were to get into the swing and WIN THE CUP.

Naughty Dragon had been working hard in his room, trying to position stickers on naked bats without much accuracy and so, at ‘Plan B’, he began what was to become one of the greatest rum binges in the history of competitive sport. Gorged with six times his body-weight in fermented sugar-cane, he was now totally reliant on the kindness of strangers. The Hobbits returned to the Lido ( with the Basheratti ) and dreamt of more temperate Shires. Unnoticed in Bilbo’s phone lay a message from Paps saying that he had ‘ arrived ‘ and was ‘available for fun!”. The Hobbits slept on and A-Sprog disappeared into the night along with Naughty Dragon and, we assume, the eternally jolly Paps.

The long corridors of the Lido stretched out into the darkness as if to trap lost souls and out-fox drunks. And as we slept, these dimly lit labyrinths of closed doors and silence were filled with menacing forces of viral evil which malingered in the crusty nooks and diseased crannies, tapping with boney fingers on each door, in search of hapless victims and a way into their lungs. As this foul specter rose and stalked the night, the Lido lobby became suddenly engulfed by an eerie vapor of Marlboro smoke and gin fumes. A tall hooded figure approached the reception and showed his pale demonic face to the duty clerk. She gulped.

“ What is your name sir?”. He looked at the gibbering girl with eyes of blazing mayhem as he spoke.

“ Donegan ”.

‘Do you have a reservation?

“ No. Do you? “.

His inane retort caused her brain-cells to rub together and die. She rolled up her trousers, crouched behind the counter and took a dump on a prayer mat which had earlier been abandoned by Buddhists. She then rose and ran screaming into the car park, without washing her hands. The figure of Donegan swept up the stairs to the lobby bar with boxes of cigarettes piled high on his left shoulder and a cricket bat in his right hand. He removed his cloak and sat at the deserted bar in his batting pyjamas; tapped holes in gin bottle tops and drained them through a straw. The virus quivered, coughed and retreated.

Act II – Into The Cabbage -Friday at the ground

Beijing woke beneath acidic skies of shark-belly grey, rolled it’s trousers up below the knee and staggered about in a dizzy haze of incompetence. The breakfast roll call counted all of the Basher-Dong infantry present and correct and so it was to the bus we moved and on the bus arrived at the Beijing Dulwich Oval. We laid out our kit and hung the Basher and Pudong flags side by side while captains Filthy and A-Sprog checked the combat schedule for the day. Filthy proved far more competent at this, A-Sprog often just disappears. Paps stripped to his waist and flexed his circus strong-man muscles as we saluted the Bash-Dong’s Shanghai alliance.

It is not proper grass. It is bok-choi. Almost impossible to play any ground shots to the boundary. There were 4 finals to aim for. The CUP requires a 100% record. The Plate final can be reached with one loss. The Bowl with 2 losses and the spoon … well who cares about that.

 

 

 

First Fixture. Pudong Vs The Misfits ( from Singapore )

The first game was a loss for the Dong-Bash alliance of Tubby, A-Trois, A-Sprog, G-String, Bilbo and Frodo. It must be said that Tubby and A-Trois did well and got some useful swings in. Our fielding and bowling was under-par. Pudong out of the cup but still in the plate.

Second Fixture. Bashers Vs First XI

I recall Tubby and A-Trois getting orbital and running like Terminators back and forth. I just can’t remember how many runs but if these guys were ever out it was by warrior death on the boundary to impressive ( six stopping ) catches.

Paps was on fire throughout ( see summary ). A wicket per over all the way through the tournament and on this occasion with the first ball. He was backed up by A-Sprog who was hurtling in from a long run like a run-away MAGLEV and hitting the stumps. Sprog’s speed across the grass to attack balls was blinding.  Propelled by high-octane fuel, he was not allowed anywhere near a naked flame, his eyes span around in his head like a sun-baked Fakir.

Easy win and this was the First XI’s only loss which meant they were destined to play for the plate  … and were already hatching their conspiracy.

Third Fixture. Pudong Vs Peking Ducks

“Quack quack” said the ducks. “Bang Bang” came the reply from Tubby and A-Trois, like 12 gauge shot-guns sending balls and feathers flying across the sky. We sat with Filthy and tasted orange sauce; admiring the artillery at work, like Napoleons from a hill.

Again, total destruction from our bowlers and A-Trois’s flashing gloves. Nothing to hit. Victory number 2.

Fourth Fixture. Bashers Vs The Bombers

Shot down in flames, the Bombers fell to the big bats and stealthy bowling with G-String and Sprog’s assistance. The weather was unbearable BUT by avoiding alcohol all day the squad was able to soldier through, brushing aside adversity and ending day one with the Bashers 2 from 2 and Pudong 1 from 2.

Act III – Friday night

The bus from the ground back to the Lido was full and the driver had no intension of coming back for those left behind. It’s a cruel world for the gentleman cricketer. Thankfully the bar at the ground had also been ‘neglected’ and so Ian Syer’s tournament assistant ‘Mini’ opened it up, much to the amusement of the Naughty Dragon. There was vodka, there was rum and there was mayhem as Bilbo accelerated and joined in with the Naughty Dragon who was by now timing drinks nicely off his legs and hands. It must be noted that when the Dragon gets ‘in’, it is his custom to forsake the spoken word and give himself over exclusively to song. He knows a lot of songs that Dragon but seems to struggle finding toilets. This weakness in his navigation worsened over the week-end. Mini eventually produced taxis with drivers, their trousers rolled up just below the knee, and so we headed back to the Lido through the smog of Dragon song and rum fumes. Dragon and Bilbo made a deeply moving duet out of Nick Cave’s ‘Into My Arms ‘ which I believe had the driver in tears and might possibly explain why Bilbo dropped so many catches. Moby was by now deeply concerned that his team’s designated ‘hitter’ was connecting with all the wrong stuff and took the other car.

As we approached the Lido slowly and in traffic, Bilbo accidentally shattered the taxi window with his left elbow attempting to flick ash. Naughty Dragon quickly ran away fearing confrontation and some inconvenience to himself. He and his South African team mate ‘ Bru ‘ fled the vehicle at speed and hid in trees leaving Bilbo in a shower of broken glass. The driver attempted to make a confrontation out of the situation but Bilbo was too mellow by now just sat there listening to him squeal as he sipped his beer. Bru dragged the Dragon out of hiding.

“ We better help him, we are mates right?”.

“No, I’ve never seen him before. I don’t want to spend the night in a police station, let’s get another taxi to the hotel!”.

“No, let’s help him out, come on.”.

Bilbo agreed to pay the driver RMB 700 for a new window and offered to help him roll his trousers up below the knee just to sweeten the deal, all the time chuckling at the flimsy nature of his glass, almost as flimsy as the drunken Daredevil’s friendship. Racked with guilt, the Naughty Dragon leant Bilbo the RMB 700 for the 12 minutes it took them to get back to the Lido’s ATM. The next day, Naughty Dragon attempted to convince Bilbo that he hadn’t re-paid the money but of course the elder Hobbit was and shall always be deeply suspicious of the rum-sodden white African bush-pig. Loyalty, as endangered as the White Rhino, here’s to Bru, one good man among none.

We got back to the Lido, collected Frodo ( who had lost the room key ) from Mrs Dragon’s custody ( she was looking forward to spending some quality time with her man .. poor poor lady ), showered, paid too much for shit steaks over the road and enjoyed Moby and Dragon singing through their meals and headed off to meet up with Bash-Dongeratti at Maggies, it was late.

The presence of Filthy at Maggie’s had obviously sent a jolt of sour discipline through the squad. They were huddled around a table showing too much respect for a vodka bottle. There were breezers! Nobody in Pudong has ever seen these … except for Russell Cool. A-Trois and Tubby excused. They had a crucial role to play. Bilbo sat down, inserted the bottle in his neck and guzzled. The tone changed and soon enough. Paps as always had a plan behind the jolly smile. He and the Sprog fled into the anonymity of the night with Frodo, A-Trois and Tubby. We don’t know where they went or what they did but the Bilbo was relieved to find his half-ling son tucked up in his cot when he and Filthy staggered back and to their rooms …. The flamboyant Sprog came bundling through the lobby doors in fluorescent clothes yelling ‘V’s instead of ‘W’s and returned to his pit with dark and disturbed eyes still spinning around in his dark and disturbed head. It was around 02:30 with games scheduled for 09:00 and 09:40. Shocking schedule! Breakfast roll-call scheduled for 07:30.

In the middle of the night, while cricket slept, Donegan’s ghost was alerted to viral activity in the elevator shaft prompting him to waft through the corridors like Nosferatu, chasing ripe virgins. His Marlboro lungs sucked like a blacksmith’s bellows and pumped clouds of germ smothering smoke all around; his fine crystal gin glass steady in his pale hand as he gulped without mortal restraint.  As he floated into the lift, his paisley silk smoking jacket was trapped in the door, the virus made a quick dash out and began it’s rampage.

Act IV – Saturday at the ground

Frodo was awake but was in no condition to play cricket. Half hung-over and half sick with a bug that was to render him comatose until Sunday, he was to retreat from the ground by 10:00 without playing. Donegan’s disinfecting ghost still trapped by his own cloth between elevator doors. Pudong down to 3 prompting a further Bash-Dong drinks cabinet re-shuffle. Moby had also been taken in the night by the virus BUT bravely played on, messing the grass up with his ‘accidents’ covering for the Naughty Dragon who by now had two custard arms hanging from his stooping candy-floss shoulders.

 

First Fixture. Pudong Vs The Kremlin

Back in the saddle at 09:00 guns blazing. A-Trois in pads and gloves chasing balls to the boundary under a viscous sun; his engine-heart producing more power than a family car, Sprog, by Boeing, scorching grass and burning down the Kremlin and Paps’ crafty left arm dismantling resistance with a jolly jolly smile .. the Shanghai revolution raged! Fear grew among the Phoenix and the first XI as they began to notice the consistency of the onslaught. G-String probably did something cool also but he’s so quiet in his Lido slippers that his genius has been over-looked …. But he was ready to disappear into town … as usual … without telling anyone where he was going? We suspect there is a women involved!  Or at least, we hope so.

Second Fixture. Bashers Vs Yamei Trimble

A-Trois fell on the boundary to a very good catch, Tubby had more joy and coshed it about until being retired after reaching a brisk 30.  For the first time in 46 years Bilbo got a few runs with support from Paps and Sprog rocket … we finished on 88 for 3, our highest score of the day and we suspect the best of the compo.

We all bowled well and another shocker came at the end of a really high one that Bilbo actually caught on the boundary off Tubby’s bowling. Fitting after Tubby had held onto all his catches in the deep. G-String untied himself and fell away for the day.

Third Fixture. Pudong Vs Beijing Daredevils

We won … can’t remember the details… after so many victories it’s hard to disseminate one great knock after the other but I am sure A-Trois was retired after 30 and Tubby not far behind him. Filthy replaced G-String and so Pudong had finally become the same team as the Bashers. Filthy, A-Trois, Paps, Tubby, Sprog and Bilbo ….. the last men standing. Tubby took the catch of the day at deep long on, a skyer which he grabbed on the fourth attempt, using his hands and chest … the hammer-fist juggle! Awesome effort. Such things inspire!

Fourth Fixture. Bashers Vs Shanghai Daredevils

Bang bang bang went A-Trois and Tubby … down down down went the disciples of Lucifer. Wickets for Paps, Sprogler and Tubby too and then, under intense pressure to up his game ( or to actually get one ) and avoid the wrath of Filthy, Bilbo threw himself to extra cover to grab a drive off his own bowling in his left hand and tossed it back to A-Trois to run out Devil Jason ( who the Hobbits thank for preventing Frodo’s arrest and execution for playing on the Lido’s piano on Thursday night …  ) and so there it was that Naughty Dragon came to the crease, clothed in rum and delicate courage. The son of a preacher man ( oh yes … ) was not out but the Devils were short and the Bashers were in the semi of the CUP and Pudong the plate … with just one team playing for the top two trophies, it promised to be a challenge for the Shanghai 6.

Naughty Dragon was now uncharacteristically brave and found himself in a verbal battle with a spivvy bar-owner who had invaded the ground and distributed flyers in an attempt to get the cricketers to his place and away from the official sponsor bars. The Naughty Dragon is no fighter and no matter how brave or terse he tried to sound, his slurred middle-class vocabulary was lost on his opponent and there seemed no likely winner of the verbal sparring. Tubby made calm and rational enquiries as to who was right and who was wrong, arrived at the decision to intervene and approached the ‘usurper’ for a quiet chat. The man seemed happy to leave the ground immediately.

The penultimate Lions Vs Wallabees test and the BCC’s buffet dinner in the Lido ballroom were the targeted events after the close of play. During the game which we watched at a third party venue in town, Moby received word from Sprog who had joined the St John’s Ambulance service by mistake, that the Naughty Dragon had passed out in a taxi. Moby rushed to assist and introduced a wheelchair as the only way of transporting the Daredevil back to his hotel room. We have photographs! Mrs Dragon, delighted to spend any time she could with her ’man’ after such a long wait, must have been chuffed to receive him outside their room, unconscious and dribbling in his shiny new wheels.

Act V –  Saturday night – BCC Buffet Dinner in Lido Ballroom

Note: The other CUP and PLATE finalists, Phoenix and First XI, did not attend, preferring to huddle in conspiratorial sobriety elsewhere … umpire bribing and ball switching, while we attended, like good citizens. When the finalists were announced, ( Phoenix three times winners ) perhaps the sloshing Bilbo should have kept quiet instead of yelling out,

“Take a picture of the trophies, you’re never gonna see em again!”.

As folks scattered from the ballroom, my report, naturally follows me around and I can’t say where the other guys went but the plan was to meet at Maggies, although Sprog was somewhere between Pluto and the asylum. Filthy and I were joined by the rehabilitated Naughty Dragon who, since being abandoned in his wheelchair by his Mrs found himself room-less and in need of solid friendship. Moby had fallen away like Frodo. Filthy and I took a bench motor-cycle with the Custard Devil on MY knee and showed the mad driver the address for Maggies. We drove around the consular district for more than an hour, lost and killing Filthy softly with our songs. He was having the time of his life … shocked I suppose by our inability to make adult conversation? The driver had no brains but had rolled his trousers up below his knees. We lost patience and became terse.

“Pitjou! Just find a bloody bar man!”

“Hehehe okay okay hehe bar!”

We arrived at a street bar, walked inside and were confronted with half naked locals wearing choke collars and plastic shorts! One of the ‘fetishists’ was struggling to inflate a sex toy as we entered dripping with sweat, dying of thirst. The weak lungs of the fellow annoyed Bilbo, so he grabbed the flaccid object and applied his mighty Marlboro lungs and sat the inflated ‘lady’ on a bar-stool, decent like! Bilbo was invited by a fetishist to join ‘it’ in the bathroom!

‘Jesus, wtf? Down these beers, we’re gone!” Filthy took the lead … we hailed another motorized bench bike and found Maggies … sometimes you just have to change the staff and things work well.

We reached Maggies and drank ….. next memory, waking up on Sunday with the Naughty Dragon crashed between the hobbit beds .. Frodo and Bilbo left the room, checked out leaving the Custard Dragon asleep. We got to the ground and to our amazement found the same man already there, rum in hand, ready for the Devil’s bowl semi-final.

Act VI – Finals day at the ground

All the Shanghai teams cruised through their semis and made the finals. A miracle of human endurance but then the toll on us became apparent. It fell apart in the finals which we 6+1 had to bat then bowl twice, back to back.

 

Daredevils ( with Bilbo keeping ) lost.

Pudong Vs First XI ( Plate ) and Bashers Vs Phoenix ( Cup )

Both games merged into one giant meltdown brought on by exhaustion. We dropped catches; bowled too many wides, fumbled, played and missed, got run out, Filthy injured his finger being manic in the field then got his SNARK on (© Tubbyism) after napping on an ‘nforce’ pad and getting his face branded ‘enforcer’. Tubby smacked his own toe with the ball, Darth Maul, a Beijing umpire conspirator was mean mean mean calling ‘wide’ after wide after wide, Sprog busted A-Trois’ finger with a genuine leg-side wide forcing Paps and Bilbo to keep wicket ( we both dropped sitters with the gloves on ) and bowl, G-String had to return to the field from his philanthropic work ground-side while A-Trios watched from the boundary in despair, his hand dipped in ice water. Paps dug in and made sure, in one last heroic stand; that we were not all-out in the face of a loss.

Act VII – Requiem Mash

We lingered at the ground. Filthy took a dirt nap and slowly recovered his ‘ joyous demeanor ‘ as as he napped, the Naughty Dragon was inspired enough to wear his Basher Blue. We got the bus at 19:00 and headed off into Chinese air traffic mayhem … we ate a hearty school style dinner buffet at the airport, chugged some more Vodka and beers then boarded our plane at 21:00… sat in it for a few hours then took off. We were finally delivered back to Hongqiao sometime after 02:00.

Paps was full of chirp on the plane but finally fell on Monday to the Lido virus which claimed the third victim from our group …. Frodo suspects the Umpire Darth Maul.

—————————————————————-

Tubby’s summary of the week-end J

• Bashers were averaging ~12.5 runs an over before the finals
• Pudong were averaging ~11.5 runs an over before the finals
• Therefore the BashDongs between us were averaging 2 runs every ball faced
• Filthy is unable to have an adult conversation
• Filthy took his Nforce corporate sponsorship seriously and decided to imprint the Nforce logo into his face by passing out face-down on a batting pad
• The Pudong lads overall had excellent fine session decorum and chirp from a Basher point of view, however
• Bilbo Baggott has a stunning inability to deliver a brief and to-the-point fine ( or write-up )
• Frodo Baggott did not inherit the catching abilities nor the alcoholic capacity of his father, but perhaps this will improve with age
• A-Trois and G-String both really enjoy Breezers, A-Sprog and Tubby were quite unkind (but creative) in directing all their fines towards the Breezer drinkers
• On the Saturday Paps did an excellent job of getting the Devils drunker than they were already by plying them with his secret bottle of dark rum – the Devils later claimed it was spiked with roofies
• A-Sprog probably broke Tubby’s bat (no worries A-Sprog! 🙂 forcing Tubby and A-Trois to swap bats between balls when batting together
• Filthy had some catching mojo issues
• Tubby did not have any catching mojo issues 🙂
• Paps bowled 12 overs in a sixes tournament and did not get hit for one boundary
• A-Sprog fractured A-Trois’ index finger with a wild leg-side wide
• Filthy injured his finger with a legitimate dive at a catch
• Tubby injured his toe by hitting the ball into  his foot instead of over the boundary

Tubby, Bilbo and A-Sprog all share the same birthday

• You had to be brown, hairy and wearing a swimming cap to join in the now infamous BashDong Lido pool, spa and sauna session – everyone improved their swimming technique, and also bonded more closely than necessary due to Paps misreading the dress code
• Filthy’s mood is a delicate and complex system, but can be predicted by an equation which includes factors such as: hours since he last ate, how much sleep he has had, how much he has drunk, how many catches he has dropped, how quickly a bowler takes the keeper’s end stumps when he bowls a wide and makes the keeper chase, how his teammates are backing up, how quickly someone throws the ball, how slowly someone throws the ball, the shade of green of the playing surface, the width of the pitch, and the social caste of his opponents. When all these factors were measured and used to plot a curve of Filthy’s mood, it was easier to simplify and approximate as Filthy’s mood = snarky for the whole tour
• G-String is a very generous touring companion, he paid for at least six ice-cream tubs the whole weekend
• Paps did correctly predict the delayed departure time on a technicality as we sat on the tarmac for 90 minutes before taking off, however we would have actually missed boarding the plane if we had hung out in the restaurant, so does not actually win the bet
• Tubby feels his early decision to room with A-Trois was an excellent choice and looks forward to rooming with A-Trois in the future
• All agreed that interclub relations between Pudong and the Bashers have reached a new high