A Dark & Steamy Night – Business V Pudong, 28th July

It was a bloody hot day and we won.

Much of the pre-match chatter concerned the weather. The mercury was resting at a painful 38 degrees in Shanghai but it felt more like 46 degrees according to various iPhones. So hot was it, that Tango was unsure if they were real conditions. Surely weather this hot was unfeasible. It must all be a dream, a terrible sweaty nightmarish dream. But no, it wasn’t a dream, this was real and Business had 80 overs of toil awaiting them.

Much to everyone’s displeasure Bambi lost the toss and Business were sent on to the pitch. I say pitch, it might well have been those iron boxes that the British POWs found themselves locked up in Bridge Over The River Kwai, such was the uncomfortable heat.

Judy (8-26-2) took the new ball against his former teammates and had the breakthrough almost immediately with a fast delivery rearranging the batsman’s stumps. Bambi (3-26-0) backed up the good start with some tight bowling himself, clearly marriage was suiting him.

The change bowlers of Bambam (8-46-2) and Warcry (5-29-2) came on just before the first drinks break and backed up the good work. Warcry bowled the Pudong number 3 and Bambam elicited an edge from the other opener that was caught superbly at slip by Tango down very low to his right. 30-3 at drinks at Business were in front.

Upon resumption, Pudong started to build a partnership despite some disciplined bowling. The heat, however, was beginning to take its toll. Nuts was producing enough sweat to fill the pool at Mandarin City (somewhere most of Business would rather have been), new Basher Wasp (on account of his insect like eyewear) appeared to be hallucinating and Bhenchod’s face was the colour of a tomato. Thankfully, Skiddy had stepped up to fulfill 12^th man duties and this was a real help allowing bowlers to get a quick breather and a drink before re-entering the furnace of SCSC.

With the Pudong score over a hundred a wicket was needed and Damascus (6-37-1) duly obliged with Bambam taking the catch. It was a very impressive display of flighted spin bowling from a man with only one functioning arm. Paps (8-39-2) was the next to get a wicket with his smooth left hand bowling drawing a catch for Damascus to snaffle. Pudong were now 5 down for 116 and the Business team were dreaming of wrapping this innings up early and drinking some restorative Dr Tim’s Paedo Beers.

Unfortunately, the Pudong skipper had other ideas and was looking ominously poised. Bhenchod (2-22-0) took some tap and so did Bambi in what has to go down as the most bizarre over in cricket history. He started by bowling two deliveries off his full run up at great pace. He then broke down, panting like an overweight chocolate labradour. Deciding to conserve his energy, he bowled an off-spinner which was hit for six, a leg spinner which produced a dot, a googly that disappeared over the boundary and finally a quicker ball which nearly took the head off Korean who was standing up without a helmet. Truly bizarre.

Judy was summoned back and showed Bambi what stamina really is. He completed his fast spell by claiming another wicket. Again, the bails sent flying. The Pudong captain, who had by this time brought up a well-deserved hundred, was next to go with a tired shot off the ever-probing Bambam. Business then pushed through in the heat, picking up regular wickets. A direct hit runout by Bambi was a particular highlight. Pudong eventually ended up 228 all out from 39.2 overs. It was a really determined effort by all 12 Bashers in some of the most testing conditions imaginable in Shanghai.

With most of Business suffering from heat stroke, Bambi (6) and Bhenchod (30) took to the field with the sole objective of batting long enough for the Business stars to recover. They did their best with Bhenchod cover driving for 4 and Bambi deftly cutting a boundary. An in-swinging delivery in the 5^th over brought an end to Bambi’s knock but the job had been done.

Tango (108*) and his unique mannerisms arrived to the crease feeling fresh. His first job was to get Bhenchod to treat the game as a Test Match rather than a village friendly. Stern words were had. The two steadily built a partnership with Tangos languid shotmaking keeping Business close enough to the run rate.

The main difficulty that Bhenchod was having was remembering Tango’s inter-over glove punching routine. Was it glove-bat-glove or bat-glove-bat or bat-pat on the arse-glove? The partnership eventually ended with Bhenchod caught off the Pudong chucker spinner but Business were well placed on 87-2 off 17.5 overs.

Bambam (1) was unable to backup his fine bowling performance with the bat but the 100 was up and Judy (30) entered the crease. He immediately decided it was far too uncivilised to run between the wickets in this heat. Two towering sixes were launched from his blade. One of which made such a loud thud off the bat, it could be heard in Jing’an. Tango continued his merry way, bringing up a stylish fifty. Business appeared to be cruising until one too many big shots by Judy saw him caught deep on the boundary.

Nuts (10) kept a cool head despite the temperature and pressure, milking the ball nicely which allowed Tango to continue his fluid shots at the other end. The light was beginning to fade but the target was less than 50 runs away at a manageable rate. Cue, the inevitable Bashers collapse. Nuts was bowled by the spinner and then in the same over, Paps (0) was caught behind. A double wicket maiden and the game was in the balance. Out strode Korean (17*), a man who has seen the Bashers over the line many times over the years. He needed to do the same again.

Tension permeated through SCSC and the Bashers WeChat group. Square leg umpire, Sensation, could barely watch.

Tension etched on the faces of Damascus, Nuts and Jolly

44 from 42. The light was now so bad that the spectators couldn’t see the ball. 42 from 36. How on earth were the batsman seeing it? 41 off 32. Pudong were doing everything they could to delay the game. 41 off 31. Chances seemed to be fading with the light. 41 off 30.

Tango had enough. He launched a straight six that fell inches from being a shui and followed it up with a scything four next ball. 31 off 28. This was going down to the wire. 29 off 27. Bashers from all over the world were demanding updates but the Business boys on the sideline were too nervous to speak. 27 off 24. Korean and Tango continued to milk singles where they could in the dark. 25 off 22. Korean cut for a boundary. 19 off 18.

Could the game be called off for bad light? 18 off 17. Business were behind the rate, they had to stay out there. 18 off 16. More Pudong delays. 18 off 15. Another Korean cut. 14 off 14. It was back to a run a ball. 12 off 13. The Pudong fielders were now struggling to see the ball. 10 off 12. Four, hundred up for Tango. A chanceless knock under huge pressure and heat. 6 off 10. Business were nearly there. 6 off 9. They couldn’t lose from here.

4 off 8. Boundary. Win. Celebration. Beers. Fines.

Winners!