Bashers Pleasure vs Hot Dogs, 27.06.2015
Rain was forecast, and rain was duly delivered. With Trucks not allowed out in the rain thanks to a nasty vaginal infection, Truffles was called upon to fill the void. However, he was now out shopping as he had forgotten party poppers for his BBQ, so instead chose the role of party pooper. With only an hours notice, Bullet valiantly stepped up to ensure the Bashers would go into battle at full strength.
Swoop’s first effort of the day was to lose the toss – people are now reflecting on this as the one defining moment that lost us the game. Wanker. With a break in the rain, the Dogs seized the opportunity to field in the dry, putting the Bashers into bat. The ‘Team Hawks’ pair opened the batting, and in what has now become tradition for Swoop and Japs-eye, marched to the middle hand in hand, scanning the field at what lay before them – flea ridden, rabies infected, dirty pack of dogs, not dis-similar to the strays that can be found patrolling beaches at night on the islands of Southern Spain. Bullet began reeling off the mockers, seeking to add the attribute of ‘commentators curse’ to his CV.
In what is becoming a standard, the pair got a decent start, getting runs on the board. There would have been plenty more boundaries, had the sodden out field been dry. The opening partnership was worth a commendable 95, before Japs-eye was trapped LBW, going for 17 decent runs in support of Swoop – the latter plundering 3 successive boundary’s off a hapless dog. This dog was unfortunately put down after his solitary expensive over. That brought Shit Shoes to the crease, who kept the score ticking over with Swoop, until being caught out for 12 runs. Tinder came and went quickly, falling to arguably the best ball of the day, with the ball pitching on leg and striking off stump – a ball even Michael Atherton could not defend.
In what would be his last game for the Bashers, Post-op enjoyed a healthy partnership with Swoop, propelling the score to around 150 with wickets and overs in hand. The rain came again, the umpire keeping the players out despite the heavens opening up. Post-op was then bowled for 20, which sparked an England style batting collapse. Korean was removed in the same fashion for a goldie, leaving that dog on a hat-trick. Also in his last game, Messi waltzed to the crease determined to see off the hat-trick, and succeeded.
Swoop was now well aware he had an opportunity to carry his bat, and concluded that Messi was a man that threatened this achievement. The skipper decided Messi needed to go, and promptly ran him out, to the disgust of the Bashers squad. The remaining wickets fell quickly, with Swoop being the last to go, not to complete the act of batting all the way through – just reward for fucking Messi over. With the total score being 181 all out, the Bashers felt 200 was well within reach earlier in the innings. Swoop top-scoring in a great knock of 76, although later claiming the score should have been that much celebrated Chinese number of 88. Upon review of the scorecard, Swoop found the 3 consecutive sixes were missing – possibly down to Sharapova boozing while documenting the score??
With the dogs set 182 runs to win, battle resumed. Swoop and Tinder kept the opening overs tight, although no wickets were taken until Post-op entered the fold with a vicious spell of bowling, eventually removing the more aggressive of the opening batsman. He was well supported at the other end, with Sharapova bowling a good line and length, keeping the dogs under their required run-rate. Shit Shoes was brought into the attack, relinquishing another dog of their batting duties.
The scores were tight at the half way stage, with the dogs on around 70, although with 8 wickets in hand. Tinder quickly sent the 2nd of the openers packing, bowling the dog as they looked to up the anti. Then came the controversial moment of the game; a loopy delivery was charged, the batsman was deceived by Shit Shoes magic, missing the ball altogether with Korean skilfully whipping the bails off. As the Bashers began to celebrate what was an obvious dismissal, the square leg umpire was unmoved, much to the shock and horror of the Bashers. Dirty Dog. With the run-rate above 8 an over at this point, this batsmen was to remain in bat for a number of overs, putting on a decent partnership with a fellow dog.
Skid Row was brought into the attack, showcasing his skills properly for the 1st time. An impressive spell of bowling was rewarded with a wicket. Although catches were going down in the field, the Bashers were looking well positioned with 9 overs to go – the dogs with 100 runs on the scoreboard. Eventually the dirty dog was removed, although not before bringing the game into further dis-repute. Off the bowling of Skid Row, the ball was hit in the air towards Shit Shoes, with that dirty dog shouting something along the lines of “DROP IT!!” – a most un-gentlemanly act – Shit Shoes did not hesitate in rewarding the dog, by putting the ball down. The dogs were beginning to score freely at this point, running well between the wickets. While catches were put down in the field, there were also decent pouches by Messi and Japs-eye, both making up for earlier drops. With 4 overs to go, the dogs required around 35 runs – it was getting tight. While runs were added, wickets also fell, with Skid Row finding some skid, he added to his tally.
It all came down to the final over – the dogs needing 7 runs off to win, with 1 wicket left, Tinder was given the ball. The field was tense as drama, glory, and heartache were assured. The dogs scrambled runs off the first three balls of the over, bringing the score down to 4 required off 3, and then it happened… A slower ball was hit high into the air; with it being out of Korean’s range, Tinder called it, staring into the sky as 3 planes and 1 helicopter passed by before the ball returned to the waiting hands, yearning the feel of the leather in hand. As the red pearl came into the reaches of Tinder, a lightening bolt struck down upon the field of play, tearing a tree in half and sending it crashing to the floor. A screech was let out, as one of the army of gardeners tending the grounds of Wellington was trapped under the fallen timber. In scenes reminiscent of that tragic day in New York, as the twin towers fell, a rescue operation was required to save this brave flower fuckers life. Tinder knew that if he were to save the gardeners life, the catch would go down and the game would be lost. It was a big decision, a fork in this young mans life. He toyed with the decision, before choosing Basher glory – he went for the catch! In tragic irony, that even Shakespeare could not pen, the catch was dropped, and the gardener died. The heartless dogs, undeterred by the situation, had squeezed in a run. There had been no thought as to saving the persons life – at the end of the day, cunts are cunts.
The dogs scored the 2 required off the next ball to win with 1 ball and 1 wicket to spare, amid a backdrop of the surviving gardeners holding a ceremony laying their fallen comrade to rest – they saw it proper to bury him away from the killer tree, in a patch of sweet potatoes, his favourite.
The Bashers then headed back to the Camel, tortured and dazed by what they had witnessed on this wet day. Sharapova and Bullet had gone their separate ways; there was a cackle of Bashers boozing elsewhere in the city, and they’d prefer watering with that bunch. Two Bashers could not complete the whole of the fines session; Following a solid fielding display, Peking was heading deep into Western China, to take photos of horny tribes women. These photos would be arranged and used in a 2016 calendar “Punani in Poverty”. A special order from a large Australian tyre supplier, to be sent to clients at Christmas. Skid Row had a date at 7 with a man, whom he would only refer to as “the boss man”. Uneducated in this sexual field, the remaining Bashers chose to be sensitive of the situation, and not press Skid Row on the subject. That left seven bashers to fully complete the fines session – poor.
In light of the recent series between England and New Zealand, much has been said about the ever changing evolution of the game. Not wanting Australia to be left behind, Captain Swoop implemented a form of psychological treatment for the war-torn Bashers, he introduced the Pleasure team to “The Little Purple Theorem”. As we learned, this involved passing a purple dildo around the table, while alternating between the 7 vibrating settings – appropriately 1 for each Basher left at the table. The dildo was advanced, and could be fully sub-merged within a pint of
beer cider. Within an hour the Bashers were cured, Swoop’s treatment had worked! The memories of the dead gardener completely removed from everybody’s mind. The Australian team are said to be trialing the little purple theorem, during this summers ashes.
Skid Row 4/44 off 6