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Bashers Cricket Club

Pleasure V Hotdogs match report… not for kids or the sensitive

Our expedition to Dully started with the extraordinary event of the bus leaving on time. This was much to the disdain of comrade Swahili who turned up (only) 15minutes late after a night out that ended (only) an hour before.

After 40minutes, a few on the bus beers and some muted language (kiddies on board) we arrived at the battleground. Though we were there more than an hour before the beginning of the match, we stepped off the bus to find the Satan Worshippers I mean Hotdogs, already out on the pitch running drills. Bashers Pleasure seeing this, undertook their own form of warm-up consisting of elbow bends and ingestion of the magical amber liquid that gives all Bashers (Pleasure) their power.

Tank’s (c) strategy for the toss was simple: win it, and then put the Dickheads I mean Doggies out to bat first. Thus negating the effectiveness of their silly little fielding drills, the logic seemed sound.
Strike bowlers in the forms of Long Dong and Circus had been selected to put the fear of god into the opening bats. This they did to great effect with the majority of the runs in the first 8 overs coming from a few charitably conceded wides.

Before we proceed you’ll have to excuse this Lumberjack’s inability to recall details of who took which wicket when, also his lack of motivation to find out from anyone else.

What I can say with certainty is that the Douchebags sorry, Doggies, two (apparently) most dangerous batsmen were out early and without doing much damage. And also that by the time we reached drinks their total was a measly 40 something. Kudos to all bowlers and fielders for keeping it tighter than a Nuns Box. Special mention goes out to the Inquisition for his efforts with the ball (Four wickets), and Captain Tank and MVP (Two high outfield catches) for their work in the field, and also to JC, who was pretty good with the gloves with the exception of dropping one sitter.

Soon after drinks the weirdness of Shanghai took hold and diverted the Bashers energies and attention away from the match. An event, no a spectacle, occurred which will be regaled by Bashers for generations to come (See full account posted elsewhere in this blog). Without flogging a dead horse, suffice to say good triumphed over evil and our chubby (possibly retarded) comrade will be studying the interior of an overcrowded 6 by 6 for the next couple of years thanks to the efforts of MVP and Inquisition.

The Bashers that had been diverte by this “spectacle”, returned to the match to find the Baby Rapers Hotdogs, making a farce of their stand-in fielding duties and their score jumping magically from mid 50s to over a hundred in 4 overs. Special mention goes out to future Basher; Golden Shears, who’s throwing from the boundary will be the subject of many “like a girl” comments for years to come. Returning full-strength to the field and relegating the imposters back to the bench, Pleasure tightened the screws, allowing the Cock Smokers Dogs, to bat out their last couple of overs in relative uneventfulness. The Bashers headed into the pavilion to prepare for the chase, with the surmountable task of 130 something to get.

First up for the slog was our very own test match batsman Long Dong and the perennial run-out victim Chan Chan Channa, well no surprises here, as per usual Long Dong did a good job of staying in and the Chan Chan got run-out.
It must be said at this point the Uncle f***kers Hotdogs, bowling attack was pretty sharp and their fielding had improved dramatically since their pathetic run-on performance for the Bashers. But we had the answer in the Loose cannon, after much pissing and moaning about being put in first drop, his Looseness proceeded to put some much need runs on the board (albeit slowly at first) until reaching a well-deserved retirement on 50. Other batsmen came and went and it looked like we weren’t going to have a problem batting out our overs, all that was needed to win was for our Business ringer Stats to knock six sixes off the last 6 balls.
Was it possible???? Obviously our hopes were well f***king misplaced, they sank as we witnessed him nudge the first one away delicately, like someone brushing off a butterfly without wanting to ruffle it. Not to be harsh or anything.

But not to worry the Bashers live to fight another day, we patted ourselves on the back anyway for our racial diversity and our absolute coolness in comparison to any other SCC team. Piling onto the bus we headed back to the Westside, starting the un-noteworthy fine session on the way. The real post match review and wind-down took place at our usual watering hole, the ‘Boo. Special mention here goes to Ting Ting and the Boo girls for keeping us stocked with VBs, Jager & Sambuca shots. Highlights of the frivolities include several retellings (versions) of the day’s heroics on and off the pitch, Loosey getting bitch-slapped by Circus and a measuring of cocks between Loosey and Circus where Loosey got bitch-slapped again (figuratively this time).

The morals of the day’s story as I see it are these; there is a reason the Yanks are our world police, never trust your enemy to bring their A game when helping you out and finally, you have to do some pretty bad shit to get banned from the ‘Boo.

Logged by Circus

2nd XI The match as remembered by the Lumberjack

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