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Bashers D3 Leisure vs Pudong – The Grudge Match

It was labelled the grudge match to end all grudge matches.

A re-match of the 2016 bodyline Semi Final game

With a new D3 skipper at the helm, a new wicketkeeper, and a new pie sponsor , the gentlemen of D3 were ready to face off their old nemesis; Pudong. The off season build up had been intense, negotiations within the club saw Sir Dick being traded onwards and upwards, with a team recall of the mighty Messi, and with old injuries /battle scars attended to…a new Bashers President’s middle finger ready to be put to the test.

As per normal the D3 boys assembled at the Camel bright and early, with only one brief taxi incident outside the Beaver Bar , with a Lady of the night (which we’ll name Tramp) trying to inject herself into the car , the team, and the game. It wasn’t to be…. as their was serious cricket to be played today!

The pre-match line-up went something along the lines of:-

Messi Tampon, – (bloody Mary)

Omega’s Rash,

Parrots Birdshit

Windy Sharapova

The Pope’s Pillage of Mouse

On the bus Tampon led the team with an inspirational speech only to have Rash go one up with high school rendition of Gladiator – something about green fields , sunning himself alone and dead in Elysium. Laughs and giggles aside it was time to drink morning beers.

Strategy decided, boundary ropes re-set, Tampon went on to win the toss and the bashers were going in to bat. Omega and Parrot were the opening pair to see off the new ball and the score some early runs. Steady batting, tight bowling with some early boundaries by both. Omega lucky with one umpire’s decision – no DRS here!! He decided to make the most of his life, with some boundaries  and scoring stokes …and a few swings and misses later he was bowled for a handy 20 runs, bringing the formidable figure of the new look trimmed down Mouse to the field. He had clearly NOT changed his D3 batting style and was definitely not taking any advice from Parrot.. Swing miss, swing, miss, swing 2, swing miss, OUT!!! Damn boy

The Pope strode to the field, now a taken man, a reborn cricketer, with his bright orange neckerchief front and centre. Batting with his new and peculiar LA Dodgers technique, he meant business (albeit in a Leisurely way – hence the neckerchief). Parrot and the Pope continued to build a new partnership when it was decided, premeditated or not, for Parrot to make his revenge move against Pudong , sneaking a quick single and ceremoniously taking out the opposition bowler. Face plant, carpet burn,… fuck that hurt!!. Blood was drawn, apologies were spoken, and the injury ledger was now even.

Drinks were taken and 2 overs later Parrot hit his first 50 in recent memory and retired. Back on the honours board (kaaaboom!) Cassisus fine taken!

Tampon came on as the new bat, and whipped the first leg-side ball off his toes , and down to the boundary for 4… He and Pope continued to build pressure and runs flowed .,,,until the Pope launched one too many into the air being caught and out for 35. New Basher on the field ready to bat…..Gustav Windy Winkler .. 20 runs off 18 balls not out – and what a start to his Bashers cricketing legacy! Tampon stayed and proved his worth eventually falling, being bowled for 15.  Sharapova,, squeezed out 8 runs, and then was sent packing with  dubious lbw decision – a type of decision that was not reciprocated when we bowled. Messi was messi –launching into his comeback game with D3 Bashers – Quack! With Rash or maybe Dmitri batting out the remaining balls.

164 runs and a total to defend!

Birdshit did not bat –but he is certainly worthy of a mention here keeping a keen eye on the field throughout ,, and playing with a ipad thingy – scoring or watching porn – we will never know ,, I’ll let you decide. His other eye was clearly focused on his barman mixing skills sharing Bloody Mary breakfast drinks with all. I believe Messi  Tampon enjoyed these most…. as did I!

Time to bowl and time to field,, no more beers fellas , lets get serious and win this one. Rash strike bowler No 1- beautiful, all the smarts of a T20 cricketer. – one run! Sharapova couldn’t find her line bowling wides mainly which set the tone for the next 5 overs—Rash somehow morphing into his alter ego Dmitri losing all his smarts and skills. The ever consistent Omega followed suit with some wides and boundaries being tonked – ( we’ll forget about that over) until the skipper tossed the ball to Birdshit and Mouse to steady the ship. Birdie made the breakthrough, finally proving first slip is a legitimate D3 fielding position. And although Mouse had not made any changes to his batting strategy he had clearly devised and re-worked his bowling one. And without informing the opposition  – balls no. 3 and 5 were set to be his quicker ones.  Pope enjoying his new position in slip getting continuously worked over down leg side in previous spells, was now clearly relishing his new found role as D3 wickie. “I quite like this” was his continual  chirp to Parrot,, followed by – “please make sure you appeal for all the close ones as I can’t ” – as we know a wicket keepers duty is a busy one. He was now set for no. 3 & 5 quicker delivers from Mouse. Time for wickets, with Norm taking his th’reefa – the first in combo with Omega taking a sharp catch at point. Then another catch to Windy -D3 taking catches this season!

Moments later Gustav Windy Winkler with a bit of side arm Melinga bowling removed middled stump and with the return of  Rash another middle stump was removed. In between all these lessons in cricketing prowess Tampon slipped the ball to Messi. Tampon- Messi the jokes been done! 22 runs of that over and we’re starting to feel the heat with minds and mouths drifting toward the full esky on the boundary. Pudong were coming back at us.

18 overs through to 21 saw some very tight bowling from Sharapova , Rash and Birdshit keeping the game well poised. It was going to be close,, however Pudong somehow had forgotten to count and kept relaying the wrong over count to the field.  7, 8, 7 was the run count in each subsequent over with the Bashers looking as energetic as ever in the field. Leaving it locked at 164 a piece,, 7 wickets down,, going on to the final over.  Oh boy this was a nail biter!

Windy with ball in hand, all fielders up and on their toes to save the single ……. Beautiful ball,, looked like an off-cutter from where I was standing through the batsmen and through the wicket keeper….. Pudong Win! ( the Pope scratches his head)

What a day, what a way to go down fighting. 2 new Bashers are welcomed – Windy and the Viking Pillage, (possibly the first Nordic man to take up the game).. fines sessions followed, D3 as always in high spirits … even Scooby was at the Camel for catch up cheers!!!

Tampon song and jingle to be played Well done skipper


“D3 Bashers Bar” with a bemused Nordic man right of frame


Pillage Initiation – the first even Nordic man to drink beer from a box


Its a neckerchief you fools!

Windy Initiation – “I think I swallowed a pube” – (in the running for quote of the season.)




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