The Devil’s Dungeon, Business Lumberjack, 26 April (Rated S for Shrek)

The Devil’s Dungeon: A Tale of Kinky Cricket

The Bashers Business had no idea what was about to happen to them. Not an inkling that they were about to be subjected to the most sadistic and probing of their games ever endured by a cricketing team.

Nothing suggested it. Everything was as usual. The pies were not ready, Leppa was grumpy, Pussy was bright as a button despite the night before. The sun shone and the birds sang.

The Bashers lost the toss and were asked to dress in fishnet stockings and field in the sun. Their openers got off to an ok start and lured by the pussy teaming up with the F.box via a fine catch in slip the Devils’ first man left. A fine catch from the Fruit but this catch he would not be remembered for.

Jonti a pleasant and easygoing South African had been in form the week before and was the danger man. Spanky was just out of reach for a catch when he was on 40 and he hit his first milestone of 50 looking good but was offering chances. He raced through the 60s and 70s when the chance came. Paps put Leppa on and the veteran got the ball in the spot and Jonti heaved it towards long on where the ever-reliable Fruitbox who has not dropped a ball since 2007 somehow spilled the chance. His shoulders slumped along with the Bashers.

We went to drinks and that is when it got kinky. Jonti reached his hundred by ripping the Bashers stockings off as he rammed his bat right up the Bashers. The Inquisition was put on the rack along with Shrek and Spanky and we were whipped, strangled and electro prodded by Jonti over square leg, long off, long on and point. He raced to 150 and Jason Bird’s record 178 not out from 2004 looked in danger.

He flew past Jason’s score with contempt and the Bashers were now tied up, naked and being publicly humiliated. But there was worse to come. Much worse. Jonti gave another chance in his 190s and Leppa casually dropped it and said later he did so to make Fruitbox feel better. Fruitbox was in a daze and was given special treatment. For him it was all scat action and beastiality. He bowled and he was pummeled into utter submission. We begged Jonti to leave us alone as he destroyed the 200 mark and continued.

The devils weren’t done with us yet. Sanjay a Bashers nemesis took some easy runs while Jonti gave the Bashers Prince Albert cock rings, tied string around them all, tied them to the door knob and began repeatedly slamming the door as we writhed in pain. He showed no mercy and the Bashers were now being spat on, laughed at and degraded as we lay bleeding. Cricket bats were now inserted into every orifice, mouth gags applied and “run slut” painted on the bodies of the surviving Bashers. Spanky (3-85 off 8) took some late wickets as did Pussy (2-49 off 8) but Pussy was still spanked and Spanky was pussy whipped all the same. Tinder (1-57 off 6) was the pick of the bowlers but he even he was Hogtied and beaten within an inch of his life. The Box (0-38 off 2), Shrek (0-62 off 5) Leppa (0-49 off 3) and Paps (1-49 off 8) will need years of therapy to get over this. Shit Shoes was placed in a strangle hold and dumped in a body bag outside Wellington.

268 not out for Jonti, a record score and one of the finest innings you’ll ever see. Despite the Bashers poor effort he played majestically and hit some of sweetest shots you’ll ever see on a cricket field. We all congratulated him and he was humble in accepting the accolades.

We did bat. Stats, who couldn’t blink until we got back to the Camel, got some runs, Cassius, Shrek and Paps a few. Fruitbox got a diamond duck thanks to Cassius that gave us all a smile. Fruitbox’s day could not have been worse. Leppa nearly killed Paps and I am sure Paps would not have minded. All out for 163 and a loss by 226 runs. A record.

Jonti “268 Not Out” Leibowitz

To cap it all off Jonti, Sanjay and Darren Burns came back to the Camel ordered two bottles of champagne and left us with the bill. A champagne bukkake to finish off the day. Spent, battered and dripping with the opposition’s celebrations.

It was “Lest we forget” the day before on Anzac Day and “Best we forget” the day after.

Yours in therapy

Shrek