Pleasure vs Devils 04 Sept 2016

Pleasure lost to the devils in the last match of the season and in doing so were condemned to the bottom of the second division table and Skiddy took the mantle of worst pleasure captain ever.

The majority of the team gathered at the Camel at 1pm with a mixture of despondency and gay abandon, a bit like the last day of term, which was helped by the inclusion of a few Leisure players looking for a practice before the forthcoming semi final, and Fruitbox.

On the bus to the ground the team studied the D2 table to try to work out if there was a chance that the Devil’s still had anything to play for and therefore might not be trying to win the match but the team seemed more excited that we were on the verge of seeing something truly special, Skiddy being the worst captain since Long Dong. There was a buzz in the air, could we do it? Yes we could, you knew that as I already gave the answer in paragraph 1 but this is the story of how we did it.

There were beers, numerous beers. On the bus while singing the £1 fish song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_miGclPFGs), in the bar before the game, during the game and after the game. Beers after the game is allowed, as is during the game when batting, and on the bus before the game is compulsory but buying jugs of beer after just getting off the coach before going to the field is just plain foolish.

Onto the field Skiddy lost the toss, even while wearing his one lucky shoe and we were fielding. Rash was once again excellent in the warm up and Tampon did his best throw of the day into the tent of the Devils to shake them up. Opening the bowling were Pussy and Bambi who ran in hard, Bambi did at least but neither were rewarded with a wicket. There was a dropped catch around this time by Rash who shouted at Tampon to put a name for it only for the ball to land right next to him.

Next up was Sharapova to bowl. Rash took the blame for Sharapova’s initial flurry of wides thanks to his shining of the ball on the wrong side. When Rash kept shining, and the balls went wider, Sharapova shouted at Rash, “I told you to stop shining the ball on the wrong side and you keep doing it, you fucking lanky, posh, twat.” or words to that effect. Rash cried inside. Pope was ready to batter Rash but all was forgotten when Sharapova got the first wicket when the batsman played on off the last ball of the over. In the next over she was denied another wicket when Korean dropped a sitter behind the stumps.

Rash bowled some wides then the spinners came on. At one end Fruitbox was keeping the batsmen honest meanwhile Shoes got hit for 6 off his first ball off his one over. Skiddy came on with Fruitbox and bowled like a man who had a reputation to save and got their opening batsman out caught by Shit shoes. Pope came on for a bowl during which time Sharpova got a run out as did Korean who threw down the stumps at the bowlers end with a great throw clipping the bails.

As the innings came to a close, Bambi and Pussy came back onto bowl. Pussy got a wicket but Bambi went unrewarded despite running in dead fast. By the end the Devils had scored 242/5.

Opening the batting were Pussy and Parrot. Pussy got out for 5 caught on the leg side bringing in the skipper. With the G20 in town and VPN’s not working, Skiddy had been having trouble accessing the usual nasty porn sites that had put him in such great touch the week before. This week all he had to go on was the underwear section on Taobao. He only scored 15. Pope came in and went for a duck bringing in Bambi. Parrot was out for 16, Shoes for 5. Fruitbox came in wearing Rash’s underwear coz he didn’t have any of his own. With Korean also now in, there came a period of steady accumulation of runs. Fruitbox had started off slowly but with the spinners on he decided to let rip with a 6 which was clearly over the boundary but was given as a 4 leading to pitchside ‘discussions’ with the devils later. While things continued serenely on the pitch, Rash was looking for some underwear to replace the set taken by Fruitbox. Parrot by this time had returned from a shit/shower/shave/prostate massage, soiled smalls in hand which Rash stole, turned inside out and put on ready for his bat.

Fruitbox got out stumped bringing Sharapova in for a rapid fire 6 off 5 balls. In came Tampon to join Korean. Tampon managed to score a career high 27 by sweeping everything down legside putting on 50 for the 9^th wicket before Korean was out for 38. Rash came on either wearing Parrot’s pants or his own pants that had already been worn by Fruitbox, but for what it was worth he could’ve gone commando as he didn’t even face a ball as Tampon was out bowled.

And so we had succeeded, we had got Skiddy to the bottom of the pile to be the worst Pleasure skipper since records began and somewhere in the distance an Indian man with a moustache lit a cigarette, laughed and went to get the subway to Songjiang.