Lumberjack Report – Guangzhou 6s 2013

2013 Guangzhou 6s Lumberjack report

For various reasons, the final 8 that went to Guangzhou fluctuated until the following people actually boarded (much delayed) flights to the warmer climate in GZ. They were

Denzel “Cranky” Allright

Sameer “Paps” Jolly (capt)

Channa “Made In” Phillip

Sean “The Korean” Malcon

Jack “Dags” Sheppard

Manoj “a Trois” Zalpuri

Ben “Pope Benedict CXCV” Collins

Chris “Lunchcutter” Wade

Various other Bashers that made guest appearances there included Compass, who couldn’t stop rambling on the microphone and Birdshit.

This tour was to be the comeback tour of the ever popular “Made In” who was back in China after a 2 year hiatus in the mountains of Colombia and the slums of Bangalore.

The tour started of with” a Trois” and “Made In” flying in separate from the main bunch. “A Trois” for some poor reason, and “Made In” flying in from Tianjin. Some suggested that Made In should’ve bought a ticket to Shanghai first and then make the trip together, but there were no volunteers to pay for such venture. All 3 flights were delayed for various reasons and the main Basher posse responded by drinking their flight dry within minutes of in flight service beginning (not really that an impressive feat since they forgot to warn the airlines at check in to actually put more than a six pack on the plane).

“A Trois” and “Made In” reached GZ around the same time and made their way to the hotel, where they were greeted by a semi-horizontal Jon Newton (JN). The rest of the posse arrived after “Made In” finished checking in and after meeting the new additions to the Bashers since his arrival, the group proceeded to get washed up in preparation for a big night out. To catch up with the others who had already played a whole day of games.

The Bashers must’ve pissed off some major deity, as what happened that night could only be described as bad karma. Coincidently, it was at a place called Kama. The night started with a dodgy taxi ride, where “Pops” tried to make “Made In” ride him in the taxi. Within seconds of entering Kama, the first thing every Basher noticed was the shit band singing their “out of” tunes (presumably to make everyone leave). A few ridiculously expensive beers later, most Bashers decided we were not drunk enough to handle the place and leave. “Pope”  also ‘agreed’ and nodded, but never made it out with the rest of the posse and stayed there. At the end of the night, JN lost his phone and “Pope” lost his watch. Whichever hole they left them in, nobody knows….

First match of the morning was a bright and early start, with most Bashers making breakfast after a good night’s sleep. We should’ve known better……

Against the Leopards, the Bashers started off with a typical collapse and left it all to the last man standing, “Paps” to score 95% of the runs. “Korean” managed to run himself out, and the others were too sober to see the ball. However, the soberness (and dropping of “Made In”) allowed the Bashers to put self inflicted pressure on the opposition and took the defense of a piss poor 30 odd to the final over.

A 4 hour wait was passed by with a typical fines session which nearly all non-game fines targeted poor “Made In”, presumably to make up the lack of fines sessions attended in the last 2 years. Then the much awaited return of “Made In” against the pirates. Bowling first, there was no real drama until “Made in” come on. With Burns taking strike and knowing what to expect, kept the ball down and taking the easy single. Exposing young Jack Sparrow who had no idea what was about to come. After a few sledges from the Bashers and his batting partner, was tempted out of his crease in attempt to stamp his authority but was left stranded in the middle of the pitch wondering what the hell happened. Some other SH veteran came in, and played and missed the first ball. After a wonderful start of 1/1 of 3 balls, “Made in” bowled a pile of tripe that would make “Hammer” proud and conceded 20 off 3 balls, mostly in wides and no balls.  The rest of the bowling effort was relatively tidy, leaving the Basher to chase a doable 70 odd.

Well, after the first batting effort, we figured it couldn’t go too badly. With no pressure to win, as we already collected the points in a pre-arranged deal, we started the chase like crap. “Korean” managed to run himself out again (being run out more times than “Made In” is just pathetic……). “A Trois” got another pathetic 1 digit score and the other Bashers blocking around or just got out. Another loss, but with 2 points this time around. Another quick fines sessions was followed by a great telling of the “Made in” hat trick by “Cranky”, who has probably made a few balls disappear and added a convenient name here or there to add to the legend, hence planting the seeds of perhaps the greatest legend in Bashers folklore.

The third game was scheduled as the last game of the day. And the Bashers were eagerly awaiting their only match against a non-Shanghai team in the group stage. Umpires decided to delay the game till the next day in a highly controversial decision of calling a stop of play due to bad light. Most players felt that it was unnecessary, as we were more than happy to rebowl any delivery that hit a bat (the ones that typically fly around at dusk, not the ones we swing around pretending that we know how to bat.

The rest of the night could only be described as miscommunications galore. Firstly, most of the Bashers avoided the bar so they could eat some delicious Cantonese food (that did not disappoint). “Cranky” was adamant that we should support the sponsors and eat their grovel, but most of us were more than prepared to drink our support. The group could never get together as people started dropping out one by one before the others could arrive. The whole night was a blur, with “Cranky” mostly being cranky about being left out of most things and a large group of Bashers going back to Kama despite universally agreeing that it was crap.

The next morning was highly disappointing for the Bashers, as only “Made In”, “A Trois” and “Paps” showing up for the morning bus and making it to the first game. The other Bashers presumably wanted the trio to go to their room and give them a rub and tug to wake them up from their persistent whining about not getting them out of bed. With 3 other SH ring ins, the Bashers played their only game against non-SH opposition. The game started of absolutely wonderfully, with “A Trois” and the 3 ring ins (which are awesome bats according to “Paps”) proceed to get out within the first 2 overs with 16 on the board.
“Made in” and “Paps” were left to salvage some pride and reached a moderately defendable 36. The ring ins proceeded to concede runs quickly, consigning the Bashers to a quick and stinging defeat.

The rest of the Basher posse, minus “Pope”, arrived just after the game and quickly had to get ready for our semi-final against the Hot Dogs. Batting first, “A Trois” obviously pissed off at being outclassed by a rather average looking “Made in” with the bat in the earlier game and the generally trolling of the 4 late arriving Bashers, smashed a quick 30 to retire. In the meantime, “Lunchcutter” got his eye in by smashing a 6 in the first over and proceeded to block for the rest of the game. “Korean” was padded up and ready to try and run himself out a 3^rd time, but was not given the chance. The best batting effort for the Bashers gave the Hot dogs a chase of 76.

“Paps” being oblivious to ICC rules, allowed the opposition captain the use a gazelle as a runner who promptly ran twos with ease, eating into the chase quickly and hitting 6s between the 2s to quickly reach retirement. The 4^th over was bowled by “Made in” with 17 runs to defend, represents a major juncture in this tale. The following is the story that “Pope” believed………

With the pressure piling on, the Hot Dogs knew they had to take the risk and smash “Made in” around instead of risking it against the loopier fruit doled out by the “Korean”. “Made in” took a hat trick, wiping out the last bit of resistance of the doggies as they walked back to the sidelines with their tails between their legs. “Made In” bowing the Basher to an unlikely victory. Unfortunately the famous victory came at a great cost, with “A Trois” injuring himself taking a heroic diving catch to complete a legendary second 6s hat trick by “Made in”

With “Cranky” injured on the sidelines with a  pulled middle leg or something, and various other Bashers sore, the call was made to wake “Pope” up from his beauty sleep and get down to the game to play in the final with the Hong Kong side that was only starting to put things together with bat and ball. After a desperate call from “Dags” (his major contribution on tour, other than being an effective beer wench), “Pope” was rushing in on a taxi to make it to the ground to open the batting.

As soon as, “Pope” arrived, we all did a quick warm up with a quick jog, done mostly by “Pope”. A quick fielding session followed, with all significant fielding done by “Pope”. Losing the toss, we were forced to open the batting. So “Pope” and “Lunchcutter” padded up, and were awaiting the end of a previous game . And out walked “Pope” to face the first ball which he promptly played and missed. However, the masquerade could go on no longer, nobody in the ground could contain their laughter anymore and only then did “Pope” realized that he had been had.

And hence another legend is born in Bashers folklore from Guangzhou 2013.

Lets rewind back to that crucial juncture in the story with “Made in” having plenty to defend. He got quickly dispatched around the field, only to have the “Korean” walk up to him and sledge him (which is coincidently all the “Korean” did in the game other than picking the ball up from beyond) before being dispatched another time to consign the “Korean” as a surplus player.

The Bashers were obviously disappointed and started our final fines session, before it dawned on us that there was an opportunity for some major deception and entertainment to be had to kill off at least one of the hours we had to wait for our flights. So the call was made to “Pope” for ‘reinforcements’ as “A Trois” was badly injured completing a “Made in” hat trick and most were sore and injured from the two morning matches. “Dags” convinced “Pope” that he was required to open the batting, since we were not prepared to let the “Korean” run himself for a 5^th time in a tournament at the top of the order.

With “Pope” on the way, the Bashers spread the news among the rest of the teams to prepare for the upcoming prank. With his arrival, the story continued as told before.

With humiliation complete, the “Pope” was left little recourse but to accept his punishment for missing matches on tour. And was repeatedly sledge over the day from players from all over. Congratulations on the first 100no in a 6s “Pope”. However, the signs were clear from a very early stage

• “Made in’s” 2^nd hat trick
• “Made in’s “ batting heroics (though that being the only truth he was told during the masquerade)
• “A Trois” did not look the least bit injured
• The Bashers warming up for the first time on tour
• Only “Pope” was jogging
• The other Bashers were getting lobbed catches, while they were coming fast to “Pope” or just over his head
• “Cranky” was ‘fielding’ despite being injured
• No third batsman was bothering to pad up

The key to the successful prank was the cooperation of all the other teams and “Lunchcutter’s dedication to the prank by padding up and walking out to bat.

 

Somehow miraculously at the end of such a poor tournament for the Bashers, there were some performances of note.

• “Cranky” for trying to drop himself from every game and only playing once for the Bashers
• “Paps” for winning 1 toss
• “Korean” running himself out twice
• “Paps”  for running himself out once on purpose just so he would have a batting average
• “Korean” and “A Trois” taking a couple of catches
• “Paps” for the only Basher to drop a genuine catch by just palming it down in front of him
• “Made In” scoring double figures as the last batsman
• “A Trois” retiring after scoring 30
• “Lunchcutter” for not retiring despite batting 5 overs….it’s not a test match………
• “Pope” as the only batsman to take guard in a mythical final
• “Korean” for playing a game but never fielded the ball, bowled or batted, but did manage to sledge a team mate.
• “Dags” for being mostly invisible especially with the ball going over his head
• Most of the Bashers for managing to travel all the way to GZ and only playing teams we play every other week anyway

Overall, an enjoyable weekend had by all, but a tour legend that will be hard to beat.

 

Channa “Made in” Phillip