Lumberjack- Pleasure vs. Hotdogs- Game 1- 21/03/2015

Prologue

Shit Shoes’ idea of a ‘stock-take’ involved dumping all the kit on the floor and watching the New Zealand game which resulted in Frodo (who did not acquire the name through an abundance of inches) being handed an L sized shirt. By the time the club captain had located the smaller sizes: Martin Guptil had scored 100 runs; G’rilla was getting into his 4^th pint; and Frodo, donning his oversized attire, had already taken a crap in The Camel toilets. Thus the bond between man and shirt had been forged, forever inseparable.

With each new Bashers arrival The Korean grew increasingly bitter about the handing out of new hats to those who hadn’t paid there subs. Mourning the weariness of his own laboured headwear he withdrew into a shadow and could be distinguished only by the occasional muttering of statistics.

Five debutants in total: Frodo, Clarice, Encore, Fingers, and Square Root, who, as a mathematician was probably the most qualified to perform utilitarian duties, became the self-appointed distributor and protector of the pies. The Korean, sensing a threat to the food source, sat eerily close to Square Root during the bus journey, as did Clarice and Encore, who by this stage had begun to form an undeniable bromance, holding hands and swapping daisy chains.

Chapter 1: Bowling

In the absence of Swoop, Shit Shoes lost the coin toss twice, and Hot Dogs elected to bat, twice, on an outfield that was slower even than the SRFC’s beer taps. Truffles arrived in blazer and baggy blue, twirling his bat around like the Mary Poppins umbrella scene, though the image was more Toad from Toad Hall than Mr Banks, and he was generous enough to offer some much needed fielding practice to all but Longdong, who promptly fled the Wellington College Ground, returning just in time to open the bowling.

Paps (6-1-32-0) shared the new ball and a tight opening spell, aided by the absolutely cabbage outfield, built pressure on the openers, and when a flashing cover drive stopped three yards short of Frodo at catching cover, the run had already been called and a simple run out chance was converted by The Korean behind the stumps.

Luckily the captain didn’t see Square Root (5-0-23-4) in the nets last week as his stock delivery to Frodo that day was a neck-high beamer (waist-high to most) that would hardly warrant a single over let alone a bowl at first change. But after watching his first few balls in the game it became apparent to Frodo that his previous exhibition could be considered an anomaly as line, length, seam, and swing brought a thoroughly deserved four wicket haul which included the only Hotdog to make a half century.

Swoop’s spell in the middle overs (6-2-9-2) was even tighter than Truffle’s shirt, though both were equally displeasing to the opposition. Two maidens, two wickets, and nine runs- which would’ve been three wickets for five runs had the ball not disobeyed the laws of physics and passed directly through Paps’ groping hand.

The pre-match team talk from the skipper went something along the lines of: ‘It’s alright if you drop it, just f*cking get to the f*cking thing!’ which is exactly what Clarice did, twice. But dropped catches forgotten, the overall standard of ground fielding was high. Fingers hurt his finger trying to take a catch but this did not impede his ability to consistently hurl the ball from the boundary at 1238132kph with a horizontal arm closely resembling Malinga’s bowling action.

Encore (3-0-17-1) loves bowling so much that he bowled his first over twice. Never one to shy away from the long spell, extras aside, his twenty-nine balls reaped only six runs off the bat, included a wicket, a dropped catch, and a bouncer that caused the batsman to spasm on the ground like a severed worm.

With the Hotdogs’ score looking a shade frail Shit Shoes (3-0-26-0) decided to make a game of it and sent down some genuine filth. Much obliged by run-starved lower order who were eventually dismissed by Longdong (6-0-20-2), returning for his second spell, denying Square Root the chance of both a hat-trick and a 5fer as he finished the previous over taking two in two with six balls remaining in his quota.

Hotdogs all out for 129.

Chapter 2: Batting

Encore relaxing after his enthusiastic debut with the ball…

Though the scorebook attributes Truffles’ wicket to a Hotdogs bowler, more thorough investigation would credit Kookapies and Peroni. After receiving word of from the team larder he swiftly slogged out for a third ball duck. However he did return to offer his ‘sincerest apologies’ which former BP CEO Tony Hayward will confirm: makes everything okay.

Shit Shoes joined Clarice in the middle briefly to complete an all-round disappointing performance from the club captain (run out 5) and was replaced by The Korean who proceeded to build a steady, albeit boring, partnership with the debutant that took us up to 55-2 at drinks.

Second ball into the resume of play Clarice valiantly disregarded the captain’s order of caution and hit a full toss for six over extra cover and by the time he was out in the 18^th over (caught 26) the score was 73-3 with Frodo the next man in.

Korean about to edge the ball past the rotund short fine leg for a brace…

Fresh legs at the crease helped raise the tempo as boundaries (which had been few all game) dried up completely and good running became imperative, much to the dismay of The Korean, whose between-overs chit-chat had regressed to ‘got any coke?’ and ‘kill me now’.

When Frodo departed (caught 11) in the 26^th over twenty runs were required, though as both Square Root (bowled 1) and Fingers (bowled 1) were removed in quick concession, it was down to skipper Swoop (not out 5) to see the final runs were found.

Calculated Swing-and-a-Miss from Square Root

Bashers won with four balls to spare. The Korean (not out 45) defied imminent death to see the team home and be named man of the match, though still this was not enough to earn him a seat on the bus back to The Camel which was barely had enough room for the kit, let alone the team.

Victorious Bashers Pleasure!!!

Epilogue

The Korean’s pathetic attempt at modesty was to bemoan the single bye he conceded behind the stumps which prompted Truffles to offer him 500RMB to never mention the innings again, ever.

The new Bashers were named during the return journey and duly christened within the walls of The Camel.

Baby Bashers: Frodo, Fingers, Square Root, Clarice, and Encore

Swoop got so carried away with the fine session that when most of the team had left he began to fine anyone and everyone in his peripheral vision until there was no-one left to fine but himself- to which he was much obliged.

Frodo