Lumberjack – Leisure V Devils 31st July

I write my first ever lumberjack report with a beaming smile on my noggin after just witnessing England smash India by 319 runs in the second test back in good old Pomland, surely on their way to becoming the best cricket nation in the world, not that any of you ozzys, kiwis or Scots could give a (full) toss.

And so to the real cricket; it was the usual un-godly 7am-ish meet at everyones favorite Shanghai institution The Camel Toe, the boys were all amassed and the mood a little somber, it was clear something wasn’t quite right – other than the fact that the pies had been replaced by a watermelon (?!?) there was a distinct lack of X-Rated entertainment being pumped out of the devils lair across the road, sad times indeed. So after a little macho broken paw comparing (it’s all the rage this season) it was time to board the Basher Mobil and plod our way to Auschwitz to face the Devils.

The journey to Dulwich was dull as horse shit, not even Parrott/Latte had a great deal to say. A few of the hardcore alcoholics took a beer or two for the ride, but that was as about as exciting as it got. I’m looking for something more to say here, but even the notes about the bus ride kindly passed onto me by the Woodmiester say “bored bored bored”, so let’s move on shall we.

So we all hopped, skipped and fell the fuck off the bus to a warm, muggy welcome to the ground, both teams assembled and Parrot/Latte got us off to a winning start by guessing which side of the Rambo would land facing upwards correctly (what a skipper), fielding was the call so fielding it was. At hearing the news we were taking to the field Long Dong immediately sprung into action to warm up the lads with some superb stretches, lunges, groaning and more action in the groinal region than the leisure boys got the night before (or maybe ever before), we were ready.

After the usual precise, calculated and downright anal field placings by the Skip (the Scatter, as it is now known throughout the cricketing world), it was Mr. Stretch himself, Longus Dongus to get us underway with some lovely balls. Then puberty started. And stopped again to make way for Longus of Dongus, this continued for several overs with no great noteworthiness stuff happening other than the Devils reaching the Ton by the 12^th over – needless to say they were going along quite nicely.

A subdued bunch of Bashers came together for a well earned drink and a rousing and slightly arousing (Stiffy by name…) speech from the Skip: this seemed to do the trick as after the drinks break there was more chirp than really chirpy bird with two chirpers in chirpland, so much so that newly signed keeper of the wickets Manoj A Trois screamed “HOWWWWZAAAATTTT” before a ball had even been bowled, this was enough to put the battymen off as the wickets started a’tumblin’. Things were going well, then Woodstock got the ball and despite a few deceiving good uns, and even a dropped dolly from new fella, and everones favorite Camel pint puller Steve The Toe, it was clear that Woody’s length was good for a 62 yard wicket; it just wasn’t coming out right for the big man and he aired his frustration by letting everyone know several times that an undisclosed someone’s mother was frequently fornicating with several varieties of farm animal.

Several vicious boncers later, three lightning quick stumpings from A Trois (he likes ’em in threes), some heroic bowling from the Pube, including a wicket maiden, and a good all round team effort saw the overs run out on the Devils as they finished on 191.

The Official umpire Filthy was quick to point out that we had a strong batting line up and the target was an attainable one, buoyed by this Mouse and myself strapped on whatever we could strap-on grabbed some wood and confidently strolled out to the middle. Things started well, a beautiful partnership was forming with me, mouse, some strap-ons and our wood and 50 was reached with little strife within 6 overs. It was clear that the Mouse was in his usual defensive mode, as the ball was smashed to all corners of the ground, including one monster six that had to go and be retrieved from one of the gas chambers in Auschwitz. Then he missed one (finishing on 31 off 17) and promptly after I was also bowled by a 12 year old girl or boy.

Some good batting from A Trois and Parrot/Latte followed and the scoring rate was on track with lots of wickets in hand… things were looking good for the Leisure boys. Parrot and A Trois inevitably fell to release the Pusher and Shitshoes: some exquisite drives, cuts, pulls sweeps and edges were the name of the game for this unstoppable duo as they dominated proceedings to reach an effortless 50 partnership and kept the team on course for the win.

It’s never a good feeling to be stood at the same end as your non strike batsmen scratching your man danglers and wondering “What the fuck are you still doing here?” but this was the position that Shitshoes found himself in as apparently “NO” in Scottish sounds like “YES”, but it was no so he was gone bringing The Long Dangler to the crease with (about) 30 to get off 3 overs. Some excellent footwork from Long Dong got him a few runs but with just 3 balls to go and 14 runs to get he was gone bringing The Toe to the crease requiring a minor miracle that sadly and unsurprisingly didn’t happen.

• Sunday 31 July 2011 Dulwich College
  Devils DUI 191/7 (7.31)
  Bashers Leisure 182/7 (3.22)

So it was a loss by just 9 runs for the Leisure gents, but a gallant effort by all – big thanks to Dags for coming along to score with a broken digit, though I’m sure you could have found a few extra runs in that book for us somewhere mate!?! So back on the Basher Mobil for beers and cheers, something about a cassowary, and the rest, well it’s kind of hazy…

2011 Division Three

Stiffy.