Leisure v Hot Dogs (real match report). Apologies for the one sent out after a few rounds of shots.

Leisure faced an entirely new look Hot Dogs team who used modern technology and our club captain’s ignorance of the rules to thwart us. We were also not helped by the Dulwich Security Gestapo who refused to allow us access to the toilets.

Mouse and Woodstock being smarter and more experienced than the rest of team and knowing that Dulwich was an alcohol free zone turned up at the Camel a full hour before departure to get on the lash. Latex however did not pitch up nor did he return on the bus with the team. There is clearly a new Mrs Latex in his life and quite rightly the lovestruck Latex has placed his new love’s school homework supervision as a higher priority.

Forced to share a bus with Hot Dogs did not mean the Leisure would share the contents of the esky. Despite the fact only Tsingtao was provided the Leisure got tore in so when we arrived at Dulwich and were greeted by the news that toilet access was prohibited there was cause for alarm.

The Hot Dogs captain requested to use his iPad instead of a score book because that would allow him to look at wagon wheels. Leisure stand-in skipper the Pusher being clueless about the protocol on such matters agreed. Pusher also lost the toss on the iPad. Hot Dogs put themselves in to bat. Leisure opened up with Sharapova and Puberty both of whom were unplayable in the early overs and both of whom were cheated out of several plumb lbws by the iPad which by this time had assumed umpiring duties as well.

Sharapova was now off a longer run up and generating a pace rarely seen at this level and Puberty was exercising a guile that quite frankly has never been seen at this level. The Bashers had even had a slip cordon with Mouse occupying slip positions one to four. With introduction of Long Dong, Woodstock and Stiffy into the attack the wickets started to tumble as the Doggies attempted to up the scoring rate. The Doggies need not have bothered as the iPad did a very good job of improving their scoring rate for them and somehow they got to 145 scoring almost no boundaries and the Leisure conceding very few extras.

Rarely do the Leisure excel in the field but today on a tricky surface the team stood up to the plate. The highlight has to be Madein’s catch – yes Madein’s CATCH. Standing at mid off the Doggie batsmen smashed a full bloodied drive straight at Madein. Madein grasped the ball into his belly and then lost his footing, slipped forward and fell face down into the ground. His teammates held a collective breath but up stood a triumphant Madein with the ball still firmly wedged between hands and belly. Latex put in a great shift behind the stumps in the absence of Parrot thus posing a challenge to the selection committee. The Pusher in a new fielding position at cover executed direct hits on the stumps on three occasions only one of which was given out by the iPad. Apparently the iPad only recognizes run outs where the batsman is a minimum of 5 metres out.

In response the Pusher adjusted the batting order and so by popular demand Mouse opened up with Ganga. Mouse’s innings went something like dot six out. Ganga also departed early as did Latex who clearly had other things on his mind. Dags and Stiffy were looking capable of putting together a match winning partnership until succumbing to a run out that Madein would have been proud of. Stiffy did not run, Dags did, they both ended up at the same end having a chat, Doggies missed the stumps three times before eventually running Dags out who was still having his chat with Stiffy. Long Dong and Stiffy put together 50 or so runs before the usual collapse ensued with Madein’s golden duck the highlight. Pusher coming in at a more accustomed no 11 cleared the ropes with his first ever six and then trying to repeat the performance next ball was caught and that was that for Leisure as we fell 20 runs short of the target. Stiffy true to his name was seen playing with his balls several times during his innings of 30 runs particularly when batting with Sharapova. He augmented his ball fidgeting by making several lewd and suggestive comments. The Doggies had a bowler called Wankey, but there was no question it was Stiffy who was doing more of that.

Towards the end of the Leisure innings with the Doggies back up bowlers struggling to find their line, the Doggies captain halted the game to complain that Leisure umpires were not abiding by the maximum 8 ball over rule. Latex consulted Filthy the Oracle who confirmed the there was no such rule. The Doggies retorted that there was and suggested that Pusher read the rules which of course he had no intention of doing. Pusher suggested the Doggies captain consult the iPad. Leisure aware that the Chinese national team was waiting to play did not prolong the discussion and agreed to play the 8 ball rule, which we subsequently found out was the correct rule and one that Filthy had ignored in every game he had umpired for Leisure this season.

Leisure returned to the Camel with their heads held high after a valiant performance that deserved more. Maybe the powers to be can consider whether iPads should be used as scorecards, umpires and rules regulators in the future. Man being replaced by machine is the thin end of the wedge.