Leisure Lumberjack, 10 May

Leisure vs Daredevils

Well what can be said about the Leisure’s performance on Sunday, that hasn’t been said already? About 500 words apparently.

So those who’d made the cut were all geared up and raring to go as they dribbled into the Camel in the very early am. Get the kit, get the beers, get the pies then onto the bus for the now very tame and short ride to the ground – only got one beer in! Not nearly enough!

As soon as we got to the ground it was just about time to play, Sharapova won the toss and elected to bat on a damp but quickly drying out ground. First in to face the softness of the bloody daredevils were Cranky and Omega and due to a shortage of officiators Hardon as umpire who proceeded to give everyone out – just because he could. Ok ok, we’ll go into this further. Cranky was looking in good form and Omega was backing up nicely, letting the Crank take the strike and put runs on the board. After a blistering 25 an appeal for LBW went and an inexperienced, and way too sober, Hardon gave him. He was plumb, but it probably cost us the game. Omega’s wicket quickly followed, bowled by some daredevil prick, so I didn’t have much of a say in that one. At this stage Omega and Cranky took over umping duties to show Hardon how to not give out LBW appeals and how to signal wides, the former of which was always going down leg side, the latter – also going down leg side. So the batting. Well it pretty much just fell apart after that. Tucker managed to face 14 balls for 1 run, then was caught behind by a fucking whore of a daredevil. Tampon didn’t hang around too long before also being caught behind, oddly enough by the same fucker who caught the other one. Sharapova looked all set to build up a captain’s knock, but only hung around for a couple of overs before being bowled out by a simpering little whining bastard of a daredevil. He was a right twat.

At this stage it’s probably important to note that only one daredevil was actually annoying the shit out of everyone. We’ll call him the boofhead in the Hawthorn sleeveless shirt with the shorts on who’d looked like he’d just stepped off a construction site with the skills and mouth to match. Twat.

Other batsmen, if you can call them that, were Messi who put on 8 before being bowled by a sniveling-soap-picking-up-wally-woofta whose team of origin escapes me for the moment; then Bullet managed to squeeze out a quickfire 7 before being put out of his misery by Cranky who following Hardon’s example decided today was a good day for fucking your teammates over. It’s probably worth mentioning that Cranky’s officiating was a delight for spectators who were treated to some spectacular wide signaling – think Yoga meets Rhythmic Gymnastics. Rash got 2, then promptly got bowled by a something that might have crawled out of Truffles ass had he been there. A last wicket stand by Birdshit and Hardon managed to puch the team total up to a respectable 100, with Birdy scoring 10 and Hardon 19 before being bowled also by piece of shit.

Then we had to bowl. Which is good because it looked like we had a good bowling line-up. Sharapova led from the front and opened the bowling with Rash at the other end and managed to have the dickdevils on the back foot.

This is taking too long…

Sharapova – 3/28 off 5

Rash – 0/12 off 5

Hardon – 0/27 off 4

Cranky – 1/20 off 4

Bullet – 0/9 off 2

Tucker – 1/4 off 2

It eventually came down to the wire after Sharapova took her 3 wickets (one bowled, 2 caught) and Hardon took a skyball off a Cranky delivery which he didn’t fucking drop. Then Tuck came in. The darecunts needed a just 2 runs off the last over and Tucker looked like he was going to get a hat trick when he got a quick wicket and then…

the next ball went up…

then over to Bullet…

who unfortunately dropped an absolute sitter. Bummer.

The lame-asses went on to cruise to a close but easy victory in the end, which meant al the poor old gallant boys from the Bashers could do just one thing. Drink.

And so we did.

If I’ve left anything out, then fuck you. You write it next time!

Hardon

NB: How to handle an LBW appeal (courtesy of Omega) “Nah mate, it was going down leg.”