Bashers Pleasure v The Hard Dogs (the novel)

With the Bashers’ fully loaded city bus express, chauffeured by Shanghai Transport Service’s equivalent of a metro-sexual, heading straight for Bashers’ Beach, the scent of victory and Lambrusco was thick in the air. The ride itself was mainly uneventful, if you don’t count the fact that it was decided by unanimous vote that next year’s Bashers uniform would basically be designed by Dolce and Gabbana (scarves, handkerchiefs and cummerbuns…please).

The prematch warm up was just what we needed…to get all those dropped catches and dodgey returns to the keeper out of our system. Loose and Katie used this time to practice their Waldorf and Statler (two old guys in the balcony from the Muppet Show) impersonations.

Waldorf: “Why do you watch it? I don’t care for puppets, I don’t find them believable!”

Statler: “I don’t believe you!” ………………………..Ha ha! Classic, anyway!

Well, the most professional and organised (wa*k) team in the league could manage only 6 players, so when the toss fell the Hard Dog’s way and they chose to bat, they must have thought the sun would shine bright on them, but it was the sun shining out of the Bashers collective arseh*le. We’ll gloss over the fact that the keeper forgot to put his pads on, and just say that the opening bowling and fielding was tighter than a Nun’s front bum, which I imagine is excellent. With the fielding and a couple of early wickets by Loose, the Hard Dogs were forced to slow it down. In came this Ring-in tall drink of water and Bill Gates, they tried to bore the shite out of us. Circus came out of retirement (bowled good l/l) and proved he was not the most inaccurate bowler in his family. That honour belongs to Basher 135, Wolverine. After receiving life advice from Loose (good cop) and Katie (bad cop), the confused little fella made up for any poor bowling with good Chirp. Drinks 2/FA.

Circus’ pleading for more enthusiasm in the field, and Birdshit’s decision to put more chirp closer to the batters aroused something in the Bashers that we thought only Lara from the Boo could and should do. We came out on fire, we hardly had enough time to put the bails back on before they were knocked off again. No need to catch as Katie proved, (do two falling objects fall at the same rate = not if the objects are Katie and a cricket ball). Swoop got rid of the boring twins, The Prez the middle order and in another wonderful display of captaincy, Birdshit brought on Birdshit to knock off 9, 10 and 11. All out for 99.

After last weeks ‘carrying of the bat til drinks’, Pusher, along with Tank, was the obvious choice to build a solid foundation for the chase…timber. 5 ball duck. Tank 3 from 13 and given out LBW by a 14 year old, fell next. Omega “couldn’t hold back the agression”, 0 from 5. Swoop, knackered from having to run 3, twice, let one in, 11 from 23. Wolverine, 2 from 5 and big brother Circus, 0 from 3, fell next and drinks were called. 6/46, Bashers collapse……

Not to these f*ckers. Loose 7 from 16, Katie’s 21 from 20, Birdshit 10 from 29, Smasher 19 from 22, and Long Dong, brilliant at square leg with just the one pad, saw us home with 5 balls to spare. Lambrusco!

Kudos to the Pleasure for winning two in a row. All done the Bashers way!