The Dunes:- The Jaguar Saves the World……..

 

 

 

Yes it is long…………

Special Thanks to the School Children of Kunlunqi and his royal holiness the Pope.

The scene was set for another mammoth charity ‘push’ by the Bashers in Inner Mongolia. Seasoned tree planters, The Pusher, Woodstock & Parrot were once again embarking on their annual pilgrimage to Inner Mongolia to become one with their shovels and mother earth and spread the good word of the Bashers and the gospel of Cricket to the children of Kunlunqi.

The catch to this story, as there is always a catch, was that an unknown variable, was soon to be thrown into the mix to add one more to this band of merry men. Alessandro Pezzani hailing from Parma Italy, better knows as The Jaguar, had bided earlier in 2010 to also join the crusade northwards to assist on the effort.

All was forgotten however by The Jag until reminded that he had committed his soul to this good event and was now expected to join the trip. Unfortunately due to his busy social and business engagements the Jag went completely AWOL in the lead up to the trip leaving the Pusher and Parrot to get hands on personally organizing & ensuring the safe passage for The Jag who was obviously extremely anxious about leaving his comfort zone of Shanghai (The Jag Club, The Shed, and his living room couch). Eventually the trip was planned and the Jag had no choice but to board the airplane to Beijing.

So the journey, which was to become an epic saga of mental strength and endurance, by The Jag had started. Woodstock, Parrot and the Pusher assembled quite easily into their starting positions at Park Place Bar in Beijing near Lido quietly anticipating the arrival of the Jag. Once the Parrot had confirmed that the Jag was totally inexperienced with shovel usage and general labour intensive duties it was decided that no man/Basher would get left behind on this trip. After the adventures of Nanjing 2010 Sixes they were obviously concerned for the Jag’s health.

Upon arrival to the Lido Hotel the Jag went walkabout and got himself initially lost before arriving to Park’s Place eager to put his mark and his brand onto the trip even before it had officially began. As lead architect and producer the Pusher ‘pulled’ some strings and had organized Jonah (The Baijiu Barbarian) ,a free lance Beijing journalist ,to join us for drinks and to interview us for Dragon TV on initiatives for the environment and on how sport can be used to assist rural communities in China.

Unbeknown to all of us The Jag was positioned to steal the limelight when he declared

“ That Italians are not made to do good things for the environment, but if the royal holiness the Pope requested it then all of Italy would join hands and plants trees to save the world”

These simple words from this passionate man from Parma immediately struck a cord with all of us and it was then we realized we were in for one hell of ride.

The following day we were up early and off to the airport,,, well and truly hung-over in typical Basher’s style. The Jag being slightly anxious about our aircraft was counseled by our safety guy (Woodstock) who swiftly checked the serial number of the aircraft and confirmed it was safe enough for our leading man to board. As hung-over as we were we still managed to down the disgusting roast beef rolls for breakfast and then all took some zzz’s until arriving in Tongliao.

When disembarking from our pleasure craft the fresh air of Inner Mongolia immediately filled the Jaguar’s lungs with a feeling that he had not had for some time and gave him sense of purpose to plug the sand Dunes of Kunlunqi with his seed. (Well the saplings of the Poplar tree) After temporarily loosing Woodstock in the terminal toilets we were greeted by our drivers. (I believe Woodstock was actually running a quick security check to ensure the Jaguar’s safety)

Unlike our 2010 tour, Roots ‘n’ Shoots, aware of Mr. Pezzani’s love of luxury, provided 2 Honda Accords to swiftly transport us to our home base in Kunlunqi. It was surely the first time a VIP of the Jag’s stature had visited this rural backwater. The Pusher remembering, that the Parrot may need to buys some new undies like in 2010, asked to stop so we could check out a local corner store. Undies weren’t needed this trip but the boys were quick to snap up some local Genghis Kahn goat’s milk liquor as mementos of the trip.

Greeted in the lobby by Roots ‘n” Shoots Chen Ting and Whitney introductions were made by the Pusher. They were obviously delighted to meet us all but most of all were excited to be spending the next 2 days in presence of the Jag.

After an amazing lunch of beef jerky, stewed beef bits, chicken legs and veg. we were ready for phase one of the trip. – Spreading the Basher’s gospel of cricket to the children of Nei Mongu.

To toughen up the Jag for the impending tree planting the next day we conspired by introducing the “mianbao” minivan concept. Obviously not the normal mode of transport for the Jag… but to our surprise he jumped aboard without a slur or stutter of discontent. All the safety checks had been completed well in advance. On our way through town we witnessed a massive head on collision by two cars. The Jag promptly blessed the incident and we were on our way.

On arriving to the school the Bashers were greeted by their little school friends who were pleased to see them again. Remembering the gravel oval down the back we were quick to set up throwing and catching practice. The kids performed magnificently as Parrot, Woodsotck and Pusher took command over 3 separate groups. The Jag not wanting to be outdone by 9 year olds stood towards the back of the pack looking good, as you would expect of a gentlemen from Parma. Soon though he was also assisting as the official ball holding guy. He also got the opportunity to hand out some small gift packs to the kids; however refrained from shaking their hands in fear of catching some exotic Mongolian skin ailment.

Prior to jumping back into our minivans we suggested that the Jag use the local school drop toilets, but being too cunning for us he immediately refused. After a photo opportunity of the Jag sticking his 3 inch Italian proboscis into the cherry blossoms (to show the kids his more sensitive side) we swiftly departed.

On our way back to the hotel Parrot proceeded to de-brief the group on their dinner plans with Fuzz. Warning them that he may take a fancy to either Whitney or the Jag (the two beautiful people of the group) as he did with the last girl from Roots ‘n’ Shoots in 2010,,, the Jag hastily announced:-

“If I am to become a homosexual in this life I will surely do it with someone from here”

This was to become his second great quote of the trip and will surely go down in the annals of Basher’s history as the club moves into the 21st Century as a more liberal and tolerable orgnaisation. I am just not sure how the Pope is gonna feel.

Cold showers before dinner was the call back at the hotel as the solar panels weren’t functioning due to the recent sand storm and poor weather.

It was then off to our dinner with the Fuzz and his 3 cronies who could have been mistaken for the Mongolian Olympic wrestling team. Fuzz was beside himself to meet his old friends but a little disappointed his chopstick girl from 2010 Root ‘n’ Shoots trip was no longer present. The group insisted only on drinking beer as we were in no position to challenge the Fuzz with Baijiu considering our tree planting the next day. On that note the Fuzz ordered one of his cronies to get 3 cases of Snow and proceeded to order everything on the menu. (If you like Korea BBQ then you would love it Mongolian style) .

After a full feed of every type of beef cut imaginable Woodsotck announced that this was a special dinner celebration for him as he remembered that it was also his birthday. Happy birthday in English & Chinese soon followed together with a sponge cake that the Fuzz had secretly ordered his cronies to purchase. Following Mongolian tradition the Fuzz smeared Woodstock with some sponge cake. Shortly afterwards the party was to become Looser than a Basher’s Sunday arvo piss up at the Camel.

Their was a smoking dried fish head,,, there were 4 pissed Mongolian wanna be singers, signing their favorite folksongs hoping to serenade Whitney and the Jag…
There was the Jag with his Italian opera, a bit of a disjointed Waltzing Matilda by Woodsotck and the Parrot and a whole lot of the Pusher making loud sing-song noises that resembled an entire Scottish football fan club out on the town after a win against the English.

The quote of the evening was actually made by Fuzz and not the Jag and was one that you will not very often hear as an Old China Hand and one that we may never hear again…. Somehow because of the food, the beer, and the jolly atmosphere the Fuzz came out with a pearler when he referred to his belly as the belly of corruption: –

‘Wo duzi doushi fubai”

The count was 4 x Bashers well and truly tanked, 4 x Inner Mongolian Police Officers well and truly tanked, 2 x Roots ‘n’ Shoots Girls well and truly tipsy,,, 1 x a Smoking dried fish head…… 7 cases of beer and a totally stunned group of restaurant staff that caught the whole night on their phone video cameras.

The Fuzz’s cronies settled the bill through influence as we were told we didn’t need cash whilst in his company and we proceeded to board his two Toyota Camrys to go back to the hotel. Never have I witnessed such beautiful drift driving as that of the Fuzz’s that night in Kunlunqi. Bloody Idiot!!!

The next morning we bounced out of bed,,, well not really,, but we were certainly keen for the days tree planting. Woodstock had provided breakfast reconnaissance to ensure the food was safe and there were no terrorists and also provided freshly brewed Italian coffee to make sure the jag was well within his comfort zone. Food was great but what was even more impressive was that the Jag had the opportunity to rub shoulders with a Gobbo around the breakfast buffet. This is a male hunchback in Italian and supposedly gives you good luck and fortune for those who touch him.

The Jag was delighted , Woodstock was relieved (as his safety duties were now relaxed) and the rest of us just astounded at the Jag’s ability to continually raise the bar with his insight and intellect on the human condition.

So the team ventured out to the tree planting site and embarked on a 3 hour slog of digging holes whilst the Root ‘n’ Shoots ladies together with the farmers took the easier road by simply planting the poplars and cover them up again. Back pain soon took over but with the Jag styling it as a ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ look like alike and with Woodstock, Parrot & Pusher slogging away at a mad rhythm we were soon drawing level with the efforts of the 40 French geezers who came the day before.

After a few desert catwalk like videos of the Jag, shoveled up, thinking he was Kunlunqi’s next Top Model we were off to lunch. Of course the local farming district ladies association was in the next room and opposite to that was some local Fuzz (police) getting their fill of BBQ beef and local beer before roaring off in their SUVs..
The afternoon session started with some ice creams in the desert which the Pusher declined to have due to the mammoth pain in his bottom right molar … Woodstock temporarily relieved of any safety duties took it upon himself to become resident DJ and opened with some Super Tramp, Queen, and other legendary tunes from the little minivan. To our surprise the Pusher flung himself into a desert Scottish Jig with some modern Run DMC rap moves thrown in whilst the Jag performed some sort of retarded robot moonwalk trying to steal the limelight from an obviously dosed up Pusher on painkillers after dropping half a dozen Ibuprofen.

The music worked as we quickly smashed out another row of poplars this time actually being allowed to plant some trees as well. We were all quickly declared the tree planting Gods of Kunlunqi for our hard work, skill, speed, and for being all round good blokes.

The Jag was particularly impressive, as not only had he never dug a hole in his life , he had also never experienced vigorous labor. And to all accounts he easily kept up with the 3 other Bashers and even looked good whilst he worked.

All records were broken that day,,, more trees were planted than ever before by such a small group,, more disco bunny dance moves were laid down in any desert than ever before, and the Jag surpassed his Mama’s and his Papa’s dreams of becoming a real man through his tireless efforts with his shovel.

As we were leaving the site something very unusual happened that turned us all into to true believers (well not the Jag as he was already a believer). Out of nowhere a sand storm appeared tearing through our site and belting down against some of the other farmers who were still tending to the poplars. Obviously it was our lucky day as if it wasn’t for the Jag rubbing down his hunchback mate we would have been in trouble.

We couldn’t leave the area without visiting the Dunes. After a 30 minute drive through some crazy little wild west towns we arrived at the edge of the great desert. The Parrot and Jag proceeded to walk to the top of the highest dune for some general monkey business and photo opportunities. The Jag was starting to look a bit rough as he climbed to the top on all fours but with the sun starting to set and 800 kilometers of barren desert to gaze across he realized that he had come to Kunlunqi with a mission to conquer his fears and enlighten the local village folk with his wit and intellect.

It was a special moment in the Dunes that the Parrot and the Jag savored before heading back to their hotel for their last dinner in the amazing rural backwater of Kunlunqi.