If I had have known that the dog-ugly hooker that opened my taxi door outside The Camel at 6:45am was going to be the highlight of the day, I would have closed the door and gone home. But, honestly, someone is going to have to speak to Steve about the quality, age and hygiene of the valets!
With Post-Op and Poppy-Op meeting us at SRFC, the rest of the team (all seven of us) were ready to go by 7am. Unfortunately the pies weren’t, so Shears was able to finish his beer (spoiler alert – pay attention to that detail mystery readers), and we were all able to get real comfy on the bus while Chef Dags got the pies and sloppy moles al dente.
On the bus, Korean took time out from abusing Longdong to abuse everyone for thinking he might ‘keep’ like he always does, so Shears got the job (spoiler alert). Other than that, we spent our time talking AFL, Rugby, Cricket and sledged Tank for his Sinbad/Genghis style no show…that’s the company you’re in now Tank.
Longdong won the toss and elected to bat, great choice as the Devils had 9 fielders and it was hot. Shears chose not to face (spoiler alert) as he had scissors and Swoop had paper. And after navigating his way throw the opening pitcher’s first over Swoop fell to a rather full full-toss and played on to be out for less than 10. So Shears spent longer at the crease (spoiler alert) than his opening partner and also Shit Shoes who lost his patience, second ball, to be bowled for less than 10. Growler steadied the ship but Shears unsteadied it (spoiler alert – I remember how he got out fielding but not batting) for less than 10. Poppy and Growler then went about it the right way by simply not getting out for a while. Growler got bowled around his legs and as Shane Warne wasn’t bowling, I’m sure he was disappointed with that, for less than 10.
Longdong limped to the crease (yes Genghis, ahead of Post-Op), and we’re not sure if Poppy’s heat exhaustion and refusing to run doubles made it look so, but the Dongmeister was Dean Jonesesque out there, until he played his trade-mark glance of the pads and was caught for less than 10. Shears was having a sleep (spoiler alert) and missed most of Poppy’s good work, as did Korean who managed to abuse everyone for talking to him while he was scoring, “It’s a dot ball Korean, get over it!” But for everyone else watching, there was every shot in the book in Poppy’s 63. Post-Op joined Poppy and the thought of towering sixes and crushing fours had all excited, except Shears who was still snoozing (spoiler alert). It was not to be, as Post-op completely farked his average with a leading edged back to the bowler, for less than 10. Pope joined Poppy, who by then must have been thinking we had cocaine and hookers back under the tent; we were all so keen to return there. So, he chipped one to mid-on and walked off to a well deserved round of applause, but alas, no cocaine or hookers, more than 10. Dags and Pope went about a final wicket stand as they should with plenty of ones and twos. At one stage Dags ran a three while Pope ran a two so you know what that means, Dags out for less than 10, Pope not out for less than 10? Extras more than 10, so well done to Poppy and Extras. 8 declared for 138! Defendable with only 7/8 wickets to take (depending on whatever Korean told them they could do; he should not be allowed to know all the rules, unless it’s at a quiz night, go Superninjas).
We’d be ok, as long as we could bowl tight (check), field well while short (check), back-up (check), chirp (check) and take our catches (……tumbleweed).
It all started in the third over when Swoop dropped a very decent chance at short fine-leg. Thankfully (kind of) Longdong had given the umpire a quick hand-shandy on the bus earlier and the lucky batsmen was out LBW first ball of the next over. Next over, Post-Op knocked over the stumps and had Shears take a great catch down leg side…….off two head high jaw-breaking no-balls. Why Shears was appealing for the catch (spoiler alert – we would soon find out), we did not know as he had to run to it and it went twenty metres (22 yards Tank) in the air. Shears then dropped a regulation caught behind, clown juggling style and commented to Korean, “I’m not sure I feel too well.” By the time he walked down the wicket for a new over, he knew he didn’t feel too well…After two overs at the crease, and five overs in the field (a total of seven for those counting), it all got a bit too much for The Golden Shears, and we didn’t see him again til the bus.
Pope was next to drop one, why bend ya knees when you can look that awkward diving forward/under it? Poppy came on and decided that there was no point bowling to his field; no-one was going to catch anything, so he took the stumps and an LBW. Growler started with a couple of rank full-tossers and then when he found the pitch it, the ball found the boundary. No luck for Growler! Shit Shoes came on and when he took a wicket was immediately taken off. To show his displeasure, he duly dropped an absolute dolly at mid-on, it happens to Filthy the best of us often. Swoop and Pope tried to get the final batsmen out, plebs to follow, but weren’t able to do it. We lost by one run!
The disappointing part was not that we didn’t get through our 30 overs, not that we didn’t get through the batting line-up, but that we could not get through a perfectly good carton of Pure Blondes on the bus back.
Well done to Poppy for his body of work on the day, only to be undone when he brought a Frenchman into the fine session, sacre bleu! We’ll win one soon, next Sunday. To all the team, well done on, (1) the effort and, (2) the good humour…you’re only category (2) there Shears 🙂